The Breaking of Blaine Anderson
by AymberPoet
Summary: Blaine isn't as perfect as he seems; before Dalton, before the Warblers and before Kurt things were hard for Mr. 'Perfect' but what exactly happened? My take on Blaine's past.
1. Young Bliss

**This is a rerun because I didn't like writing Blaine in third person, I wanted to be in his head (among other things.) So yeah just enjoy Blaine growing up, we'll get to the juicy bit when he's a bit older kay?**

Blaine Jonathon was born February of 1994 into an extremely wealthy family, he was treated like an only child by his parents John and Silvia although he had a sister 12 years older. His father owned a law firm, he was tall and masculine; he tinkered with cars, played football and drunk whiskey on the rocks. John was not born into his fortune like his petite wife Silvia but now he had it he wasn't going to let it slip through his fingers. When Blaine's sister Sierra was younger she would visit John's childhood home until he bought a much nicer house for his aging parents in New Albany. It wasn't in good taste to let your family live in poverty was it? Blaine was his pride and joy. His perfect son, on the football (soccer), baseball and swim teams, played piano and guitar beautifully, he could also sing flawlessly but his father discouraged pursuing anything in this field other than the church choir and occasional event where the school choir was in the public eye.

Silvia Anderson was the middle of three children of the Caasi-Azero family, her father owned land, a lot of land, and they had for generations been highly respected political members. Her older sister Marielle had become a working woman herself and was a governor in Washington while her younger brother ran away at sixteen to become an actor, she loved him dearly but she had to be in-keeping with the family and pretend his scandal was shame on the family. On the many nights she spent alone she would look out the window and hope to see him, sometimes she would take their golden retriever Tucker walking over the old park where she and Miguel would play. Just wishing that she would see him, just wishing he would come home. She was a 5'2 of Filipino and Bolivian descent, giving Blaine and his sister their fluency in Spanish and dark colouring, though he had his father's light hazel eyes that managed to get him whatever he desired. Silvia loved John though she would never show it in public; he was rather cold sometimes and worked long and hard hours, often going away on business. She accepted this as the life she would lead, her parents led this life and she was determined to uphold the classic wealthy woman's role.

Their New Albany mansion was not the biggest on the private estate they resided but designed to look the best. It had four grand floors, which included a basement, which was like a flat by itself. Sierra and Blaine had both taken it up as a socialising room; Blaine's version included a full drum set, bass, electric guitar, projector screen and some major sound system. Some legendary 'Anderson parties' had been held there, that were still going strong at 6am, though they never got out of control New Albany kids knew the boundaries. The roof floor was where the staff stayed, they only had a housekeeper and her assistant but sometimes the chauffeur would stay after bringing a family member back at some ungodly hour from the airport or party or whatnot.

* * *

><p>11-year-old me stood in front of the full-length mirror, I was wearing my brand new uniform ready to go to New Albany High. No, not New Albany <em>state<em>, don't even try and get them mixed up. N.A.H. was the prestigious and over-priced school for all the estate kids (think Constance Billard from Gossip Girl) it combined middle school and high school to "maximise the high class education experience" and today was my first day. Sierra had flown in from New York where she worked as an Oncologist - I knew what that was but she had skipped the details of how some, a lot, of her patients didn't make it. I was a sensitive soul even if didn't show it in front of my father, Sierra knew what was coming for me even before I did and she had promised herself she would help me through the worst of it. So she started today by making sure she was there to drive me to school, she knew our parents wouldn't and she remembered her lonely car ride to N.A.H. Louisa was like our second mother but it wasn't the same as your real family members making the effort.

I knew I was different; maybe it was because I had grown up being taught that Andersons were better, that being an Anderson gave me a free pass through the golden streets of life. I was told since the day I was born that I was better; that I was special and yes I had lived up to it and modestly. Sierra had made sure our parents words didn't go to my head like they had to her, the first time she failed a test she cried hysterically and stayed in her room all week. Still Sierra and I still had the Anderson attitude that told us that as an Anderson whatever we did would be accepted as long as we excelled in it, people would never judge an Anderson. Little eleven-year-old me had a confidence beyond my years and it was still cute.

"Mom! I can't do this…" I shouted down the stairs but my mother didn't come to do my tie, the housekeeper Louisa did. That was how it was in the Anderson household.

"Oh Blaine you're getting so big, soon you won't need me to do this anymore."

"Really? Because these things are just so darn tricky!" My small face furrowed in the same manner that my father's did as the green and black tie was neatly placed on my chest.

"Pancakes Blaine?"

"You don't even have to ask that question Louisa, when has Blaine ever turned down pancakes?" My mother swept into the room with a wide air of presence that was far greater than she should have. If I were older I would have noticed the forced smile and cold eyes that Louisa gave her, if I were older I would have noticed a lot of things like how my parents rarely slept in the same room, how my mother never ate, how Sarah – Louisa's assistant, always had red stained eyes. I was too young to know anything and for me that was bliss I wouldn't appreciate for another two years.

I shovelled pancakes with lemon and sugar into my small mouth, watching my mother take coffee from Louisa without a thank you.

"Louisa we're having a luncheon today remember, I hope everything is in order to have food ready by one thirty?" My mother's accent was thicker in the mornings when she had no one to impress. "Has Sarah gone to pick up the flowers? These ones are looking a bit droopy," her thin manicured fingers stroked the white lilies on the island that to me seemed perfectly healthy.

"Of course Mrs. Anderson, everything is ready and Sarah will be heading out later on to collect the bouquet you wanted." Louisa's head was bowed slightly and Mom surveyed her with a cold but uneasy look, she didn't like acting like this but it was part of her 'position' she had to do it.

"HEY BLAINE! LOUISA! MOM!" Called a familiar voice from the hallway followed by the slam of the heavy front door, my whole body jolted excitedly.

"SIERRA!" I flew out the kitchen and into my big sister's arms, we hadn't seen each other for about a month because of her work schedule and I had been pinning almost everyday. "SiSi I'm so glad you're here," we hugged tightly, "I'm so nervous." I said this into Sierra's chest hoping that no one would hear that anything like that fazed me.

"Ohh don't worry, I know, I know. Come on, I smell pancakes and have plenty of advice." She took my small hand we made our way into the kitchen, _she couldn't believe that he was eleven already, that made her so old and yet he was still so small and naïve. _

The awkward kitchen conversation that followed was mainly two word sentences between Sierra and our mother, they were perfectly civil to each other but Sierra's new found independence taught her that our parent's attitudes weren't ones to copied.

"Where's dad?" She asked in a bored voice as she sorted my curly hair, taming it into a smart preppy N.A.H boy, she winced slightly at the memories of the immature and slimy boys she knew, I hoped she had more faith in me.

"Oh in Connecticut," Silvia said sipping from her coffee with her dark eyes watching Sierra's hands judgementally.

"Typical, the only time he's been within the tri-state-area and I leave. Come on Blaine I think we better go," she pulled me up and passed the black blazer that swamped my small, prepubescent body.

"Bye Mom!" I hugged her and she patted me softly on the shoulder but that's how she was, young me didn't know any better or any different.

"Good luck my beautiful boy," her voice was shallow but I didn't notice.

"Bye Louisa!" I hugged her as well; the difference being that she hugged me back with a strong force.

"Oh Blaine this is so exciting! Good luck," she tears up slightly as she leads us to the door and waved us off goodbye.

The large gates of New Albany High and the older students were so intimidating that I clung to my sister without any shame, because it was the only thing I could do to stop from crying.

"SiSi I don't think I'm ready for this…" I whispered softly.

"B don't say that. You are the most talented boy I know, everyone is going to love you."

"Because we're Andersons," I recited mechanically.

"Not necessarily," Sierra frowned, "they will love you because you are Blaine, you are funny and smart and if they don't like you I'll have to come and get them." She joked not realising how soon enough those words would come back to haunt her in the minimal hours she had to sleep anyway. "Now get in there, I hear that Luke Charlton is starting this year and he's such a lovely kid," Sierra was just trying to make her little brother smile but my hazel eyes were brimming with nervous tears. "Blaine? Look at me; it'll be great OK? Te quiero," she kissed my forehead softly.

"Te quiero," I whispered back and giving her a final hug before turning my back on her and walking into the place that was going to make and break Blaine Anderson.

**OK so there we have it... Please review!**


	2. Growing Pains

Lying beside the pool on a hot and lazy June afternoon I wondered how the year had flown past so quickly, I felt so much more grown up after finishing my first year at New Albany High even though I was still only twelve. Suddenly cold water fell on me and caused me to shout out playfully.

"Come on Blaine get in the pool already!" Shouted my best friend Gaspar Urtado who was happily splashing in the cold water with Liliana Richards and Luke Charlton (Sierra's advice had been sound), we had become a tight foursome over the nerve racking and exciting year.

"Alright, alright," I called before taking a running start and jumping in, Lili screamed mockingly. She was a good sport having all boys as her best friends; she didn't take lightly to being treated like some of the delicate preppy girls that dominated N.A.H.

We splashed in Gaspar's large round pool until the sun started to set over the green hill, Gaspar didn't live on the estate but some way out in plenty of land. His parents were both Mexican and they didn't particularly like to spend too much of the summer in America, but this year Gaspar had convinced them to condense their visit home to just the end month of the holidays so he could enjoy time with his new friends. He and I had befriended on the first day when he overheard Sierra and I exchange our love in Spanish, he asked hopefully if I spoke it fluently and began to pour out his nerves upon me. And I was never one to turn someone in need out and somehow we had become close by the end of the day and managed to make our way safely through the first year. I was invited into the 'elite' group that was made up of the richest and most influential kids in the year and I did spend some nights out with them, mostly at my father's pleasure instead of mine, but this four kept me grounded. Or as grounded as a bunch of rich kids with bitter, over-educated teachers can be.

"You guys we made it!" I laughed and put my arms around the two boys while Lili floated with her arms on the side and huge Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses on her small, freckled face, her golden hair shining in the sun.

"Congrates Blaine you and about a billion other kids have made it through their first year of middle school," Luke replied drily and splashed him in the face, his family had been going to N.A.H since the school had opened, it was nothing to him.

"Buzz kill," I snipped at the blonde haired boy, my eyes skimmed the toned chest of the football player, his creamy skin now slightly tinted with gold from our many sunny adventures. My stomach tightened uncomfortably but I put it down to the amount of junk food I had eaten in the past week and not the way that Luke's shoulder muscles rippled when he threw Lili across the pool.

"LUKE STOP IT YOU SHIT!" We were at the age that swear words were beginning to creep into our sentences, I was keeping company with the 'elite' kids and that meant I had been exposed to this more often this year. They invited me to parties were they drunk beer and the girls wore tiny bikinis despite the fact they had nothing to show. I had tried to enjoy it but sometimes I felt like they were trying to hard, I was twelve all I wanted to do really was mess around with my friends, maybe have my first kiss, there was a girl called Niamh Guinness who always batted her false eyelashes at me and grabbed my hand whenever I was near enough. She was pretty, she was an elite and although I didn't feel anything for her (not that I'd know what I was supposed to be feeling anyways) I was going to ask her out this summer.

* * *

><p>"You're really going to do it?" Gaspar asked me excitedly in the dark bedroom, we had finally gotten into bed at past midnight and we were exhausted but Gaspar just wanted to know more about me and Niamh.<p>

"I think so…" I whispered more to myself than to Gus, (a nickname that had evolved over the year.)

"Wow… You think she'll say yes?"

"Um, she seems to like me, I think. How do you know?

"I don't know but my brother says you get butterflies and you just want to look at them forever and touch them…" Gus's hand reached out blindly and he touched my cheek, the skin tingled and I gasped.

"Sorry, carried away aha," he laughed nervously, "well night Blaine." Gus turned over and fell asleep straight away with a soft snore. My face still tickled where Gus's fingers had brushed it, my heart was beating heavily in my chest and I couldn't sleep.

I knew what it was to be gay, that people were but my parents' constant setting me up with girls at the balls I was dragged to and telling how I would 'meet a fine young woman' one day I had never even considered the fact I could be gay. In that moment I still didn't but I knew that Niamh was something that I needed for peace of mind.

* * *

><p>Later that week Sierra was lying on my red king sized bed, she was filing her nails with a frustrated frown while I changed my outfit for the sixth time.<br>"SISI CONCENTRATE!" We had been talking in Spanish all day, it was a habit we had when we were being lazy because our mother had taught us Spanish first of all. (Writing in English is easier so just pretend.)

"Sorry B but really you look good in everything, why are you so nervous?" I didn't answer I just blushed deeply. "Blaine Anderson what do you have planned?"

"Well… Si don't look at me like that! Its just tonight I was kind of hoping to ask Niamh out-"

"OH MY GOD BLAINE!" Sierra jumped up and hugged me as tightly as she could, "this is so exciting! OK now I know I can totally help you." Sierra pulled out the perfect Ralph Lauren mint green polo with faded jeans, simple and stylish. She offered to drive me to the party so I didn't have to explain why my hands were shaking to my parent, not that they would notice, my father was busy in his study.

She dropped me off at the curled iron gates of another mansion that even we thought was ridiculous.

"Don't get too drunk, no girl likes a drunk guy and no parents likes a drunk twelve year old…" She gave me a stern look, she didn't like to imagine her baby brother getting drunk or anything, I was _young_.

"Sierra, I don't get drunk, it's not fun," I said it like I had experience, which I did, I had puked my guts up; the alcohol had burnt my throat and my head but I didn't want to tell her that yet.

As Sierra pulled away I realised that I was going to this, maybe I did need a drink, where was everyone? I walked through the open front door and through the house; it was all marble floors, high ceilings, oversized chandeliers and 16th century oil paintings of long-distance relatives. I could hear music getting louder as I made my way through a long dark corridor, then I saw Jack Syaton and Kirk Esse on a table screaming with non-descript bottles in their hands. I took a deep breath and put on the biggest, most Anderson smile I could.

"BLLAAIINNEE!" Jack screamed at me and pulled me up on the table clumsily, "how are ya mate! Here," he pushed the bottle into my hands, which I could now see was the cubed bottle of Jack Daniels, I took a deep swig and gagged but didn't show it.

"This is insane guys it's only nine?"

"Yeah I know but word got around and Michael J-R got us some proper stuff," he held up the bottle for emphasis, "and then things just kicked off."

The party was inside in Jack's wing; yes Jack had a wing of his house that he shared with his younger brother who was out tonight, the hundred people there barely filled any space. Girls were dancing wildly, guys were drinking and falling about, this wasn't my scene usually but I was so entranced by it I ended up dancing with a bottle of God-knows-what in my hand. Thoughts of Niamh disappeared from my mind until I saw her, her long dyed blonde hair was tied up messily and her clothes were minimal and badly fitting; she was looking straight at me.

"Anderson, you look like you're having fun," she ran her eyes over me.

"Oh I was but now you're here it's much better," I didn't know where this was coming from but next time Niamh lips were on mine.

The taste of faint mint and alcohol tainted my mouth, her tongue was stiff and I wanted to spit it out but I didn't, I wanted this_, I wanted this_, I… didn't want this. My realisation of just how turned off I was at Niamh didn't make me stop her from pulling me away from the room and letting her attack me some more. I knew about sex, I'd watched porn (not my idea), but this was just too much where the hell did she learn this!

"Niamh calm down," I didn't realise I slurred but she didn't either, I finally noticed the girl could barely stand.

"Why? This is so hot." She growled the last bit and let her hands roam my body; I tensed up and pushed her away without thinking.

"Niamh we shouldn't be doing this… Please Niamh just stop!" I shouted the last bit and she froze, she looked angry, she slapped me hard and stormed from the room. By the time I had followed after her she was already all over another guy, I didn't understand how she could be such a whore but I didn't care. I just wanted to forget tonight so I went and found Kirk who was presiding over a new drinking game, I didn't ask what they were drinking I just made sure that a steady flow of the burning liquid went down my throat.

**They may seem young I know but these things happen, especially with kids like these. If you're thinking it's a bit stale please it will get better it's just they're so young and it's hard, wait till he gets older.**


	3. RightSided Heart

"Holy shit," I groaned when my eyes opened, I tried to gain my bearings but the hard ground under my back and numb feeling in my fingers was just too distracting. I sat up and nearly threw up, after securing the feeling that my stomach would stay calm I looked around. I soon realised I was lying on the table that Kirk, Jack and I had been dancing on last night, where were they?

The floor was covered in bottles, cups, clothing and a few bodies, I watched as a girl in just a bra and mini skirt got up and caught my eye before dropping her head in shame and rushing out. I knew I could stay here as long as I wanted but I would rather know where my host was, perfect manners were inbuilt in me like blinking, I was nearly incapable of being rude. "JACK? KIRK?" I called out in the hallway, I saw on the grandfather clock that it was around 9 and Jack's parents definitely wouldn't be in, they worked pretty much 24-7.

"In the kitchen!" Kirk called back in a clear and healthy voice, I was shocked to find him cooking eggs on Jack's massive stove and _smiling_. "How are we?"

"I feel like absolute shit, how are you ok?"

"Aha that my friend is practice," he laughed like I was a new puppy who had just run around in circles too fast. Jack was sitting on a stool but his face was on the granite, I guessed the cold stone would be a welcome relief right now.

"Hey Jack-in-the-box," I laughed and sat down next to him, starting to feel better now I was moving about.

"Hnng," was all the noise Jack could make, I snorted and rubbed his back soothingly.

"How do you like your eggs B?" Kirk asked with a lopsided smile that made my heart do funny things in my chest and all I could reply was with my own girly smile.

"Sunny side up," I only had eggs like that when I was alone and no one could tell me not to fry my food.

"Of course you do," I frowned at that but decided to brush it off, even when Jack snorted softly from his position against the island.

During our breakfast we heard people sneak out of the house one by one and by eleven we went on a search but didn't find any other stragglers around the wing.

"Hey you know that Niamh girl screwed that guy… Um Jay? Kay?-" Kirk frowned trying to remember.

"Chris," Jack said, "it was hilarious, I mean not that it's a big deal for her anymore but she needs standards… Hey Blaine saw you getting close with her?"

"Um well yeah…" I blushed hard, I remembered her tongue in my mouth and the stinging pain of her slap.

"And?"

"And what? Nothing, we made out," I sighed at my ruined plans. I wanted to ask her out, I thought she was so pretty, so perfect to get my head straight with all the strange feelings I had had.

"She really likes you, she's been telling everyone and all you did was _make out?_"

"Well I don't know it was just weird, she basically attacked me and… I don't know, I'm not into that kind of thing you know I'm not really that kind of guy," I mumbled embarrassed suddenly at the way the other boys looked at me.

"A dextra…" Kirk mumbled and Jack laughed and gave me a quick look that was both worried and spiteful but I didn't see because I was distracted by the view into Jack's never-ending garden

"I'm gonna head home, thanks for a great night you guys," we hugged goodbye fleetingly and as soon as I left the room the two others began to talk in low voices, I only heard Jack say loudly '_don't be stupid, he's one of us, he's an Anderson." _

* * *

><p>"Sierra nothing happened,"<p>

"Bull B, tell me why you are not her boyfriend!" Sierra flew home the night of the party so she had rung up a couple days later to get an update on the situation or rather lack of.

"Because she isn't the girl I thought she was, it just didn't happen and I don't think it will." I was getting short with my sister, I was still upset about that night, I was still so confused on why Niamh hadn't turned me on like I had expected her to but no way would I voice this.

"I'm sorry Blaine it's just I'm so excited and you know since I have no life I shall live _per tu_," what was it with Latin at the moment?

"Yeah well I'm going out so I'll call you later," I suddenly caught myself wishing that her pager would go off or that there was some great time difference between us so I could just escape from her questions instead of making something up. "I love you," I added because my sister's silence was not something I liked no matter how pissed off I was.

"I love you too, please B don't be too upset kay?" I nodded and hung up before telling Louisa I was going to Liliana's, I had decided that I would make my lie true and walk down the road to my best friend's house.

"Blaine you need someone to go with you, you're only young!" Louisa fussed, she had been the most worried about me the night of the party but didn't say a word about my alcohol stained clothes and my parents either pretended they didn't notice or really didn't care.

"No Louisa I can walk 10 feet down the road by myself!" I didn't mean to shout but I did and I found myself walking down the road by myself before I could think about apologizing. I didn't know what was up with me at the moment, Sierra said it was just hormones and I was ready to believe it, my voice was quavering and I was sure I wouldn't sing in church for a little while, while I went through my 'changes.'

Louisa didn't come after me because she knew that I needed air, I just needed time to clear my head, being on the verge of adolescence wasn't easy but she still worried about me. Sierra had confided in her about the plan to ask a girl out at the party, the next day when I returned I was pale and obviously hung-over, I didn't look like a boy who had just confirmed my first girlfriend. Louisa knew she was just help but she had been here for 25 years, she had raised us kids more than our parents had, she noticed these things and she was worried that the perfection of Blaine Jonathon Anderson would not hold up forever.

* * *

><p>"Lili what is wrong with me?" I sighed as the blonde girl worked on my tense shoulders.<p>

"I don't know, I didn't think there was anything? So what she's a slut, 90% of the girls at N.A.H. are sluts, at least she didn't string you along like they do to some boys." Lili had a strong head _and_ a boyfriend, she was pretty and understated, her mother was a model who always told her other people didn't matter even if she didn't believe it she wanted better for Lili. As she kneaded my shoulders and hummed quietly I shut my eyes and tried not to cry, even though Lili was my best girl friend I knew crying wasn't something to be done in company.

Liliana's fingers were like magic on my skin, they tingled in the same way I remembered Gus's tingling when they had accidently touched my face. I opened my eyes and found Lili's big blue ones, we stared for a while until she bent forward and kissed me. It was soft and gentle, she tasted like the honey yogurt she had for breakfast and I greeted her tongue with my own; it felt better than with Niamh but there was still a nagging in my gut that told me this just didn't feel right. When we broke apart she looked at me funny, she titled her head and smile sadly and that was all it took for me to burst into tears.

**A bit shorter this time, sorry just seemed to work. Again if you're thinking Blaine wouldn't be going through these things at this age, I was and I feel Blaine went through something similar to me but of course people were a lot worse to him than anyone has ever been to me. Thanks for reading :D **


	4. Not So Easy Sunday

Tears running down my face was not a sight many people had seen, in fact I was sure only Louisa, Sierra and my parents had ever seen me cry; I knew not to cry in front of people, it wasn't what was expected of me. Today though things were different; I had kissed two girls in a week, two beautiful girls who did absolutely nothing for me. I didn't want to hold their hands or kiss them back (though Lili's kiss was nicer), I didn't want to ask them out or gaze at them lovingly.

Yes I was only twelve years old but in that moment I knew the truth, I knew that I was gay.

"Blaine please talk to me?" Lili's eyes were wide and caring, she really did just want me to for once open up.

"There's nothing to say Lili, I just, I just don't feel anything…" I said the last bit quietly hoping she wouldn't hear but she did, she hugged me tightly I whispered apologies into her shoulder, I felt so guilty even though I didn't know what I had done wrong exactly.

I didn't know anyone that was gay, I didn't know anyone who was anything other than exactly what I had been thought and planned to be: rich, straight and successful. Suddenly I wondered if they all went together, could you have two out of three? I swallowed at the thought of telling anyone I liked boys, that I wasn't going to date Bella from the charity dinner or Christina whose dad owned a diamond mine or Liliana who was the best friend I could have ever asked for. No, I was going to love a boy and the Anderson name would stop with me, my parents were going to flip. The. Fuck. Out.

I didn't tell Lili what I really meant, I just told her that I was having a hard time feeling anything for anyone and that I felt alone. She had laughed and told me at twelve I shouldn't care; I should just climb trees and have pool parties with my best friends –hint hint-. I left her house feeling better and worse; I knew what was wrong now, I knew why I felt the way I did but now it was _real_, I was really gay and I really had to deal with it. Or did I? As I walked home I wondered how many men lived perfectly good lives not accepting this part of themselves, just marrying someone they cared for and busied themselves with a rewarding career. I could almost hear Sierra's voice _`Blaine guys like that cheat and get themselves into scandals, you're better than that." _ Was I better though? Perhaps I deserved a miserable life for being like this; my family went to church every Sunday, my mom was a strong Catholic and my dad would say he was but the only religious point he ever made to me was – never be gay.

When I got home I decided I would play some piano, the Victorian era grand piano was placed in the 'gold longue' a room where my parents entertained and often got me to perform. I keyed out soft melodies before straightening up and playing something deep and substantial, I played with the deepest and the highest keys, it was like talking but in music. I had always had a way with the keys; I was always able to say what I wanted to say through music because no one understood that underneath the notes were words, the words that I was screaming for people to hear. Louisa had crept in and listened to me play as she often did but I didn't show I had noticed her. She knew that this meant I was upset but she didn't know why, she had tried to decipher my music but today it was different. It had the high notes of happiness but mostly dark notes of sadness; it was fast with slower parts like I was confused or scared maybe? She didn't like this song, though it was beautiful it was my way of saying I couldn't talk, that I had no voice and I needed one but she was just the help she couldn't overstep her boundaries. She heard Sarah's soft sobs from the bathroom and couldn't help but wish that I would share in this girl's constant crying maybe then I would know what to do with myself.

* * *

><p>September came around too fast, I had spent three weeks in the South of France with my parents and some of the other elite families; everyday people would ask me how I was so happy all the time, I never seemed to falter and every time I would want to cry but instead laughed and said '<em>I'm just lucky'. <em>

I had tanned nicely and thankfully my breaking voice wasn't too embarrassing but being around guys in swimsuits all day _was_. I had never really thought of it before but when I woke up to a hard-on I decided that I would go for it, I mean if I was going to hide the fact I was gay I was going to have to know how to… Take care of my urges. I was also trying to be extra careful after my shopping incident, I had always had very feminine ways and a great taste in fashion but being in a fashion centre around very gay French guys I couldn't help myself:

"_Aren't this jeans just to die for!"_

_"That colour is fabulous with your eyes."_

_"Maybe a size smaller? We need to accentuate your _best_ bits."_

The worst of all is when I had caught sight of a pair of bright pink Chanel sunglasses and I had literally squealed before realising just what I had done, not that it helped, everyone looked at me with the same look. _Fag._ I was too preoccupied trying to act normal that I didn't notice Clarissa-Isabelle's famous knowing smile creep on her face, she had bought the glasses in secret and she was determined to get me to spill my secret. She wasn't spiteful, in fact she would love for me to be gay, finally a shopping partner she actually got on with! But Clarissa wasn't the brightest bulb and while her plan to out me formed she forgot to consider a few things, such my feelings and everyone else's reactions.

* * *

><p>When we arrived at New Albany High that autumn I was slipping further and further from reality, Gus just didn't understand how his best friend could have changed so much over the month that I had been away.<p>

"Blaine! Blaine! Wait up," Gus was smaller than me, I had grown a good two inches over summer and he seemed almost afraid of me now.

"What's up Gaspar," wait I never used his real name anymore?

"Well its just you've been so distant and everything," Gus was looking at his shoes now, he never was the type to be confident especially next to me, he had admitted that he felt insignificant.

"Honestly Gus I'm fine, just tired I guess…" I gave Gus a smile and put my arm around his shoulders, I was grateful for Gus, he was my connection to real people, he wasn't like the elites. Maybe Gus would accept me for who I really was but right now I didn't want to chance it, I just wanted to be who I was last semester.

"Well B, if you ever need to talk I'm here. I know I'm not much but you're the best friend I've ever had and I worry y'know. That's gay isn't it?" My heart stung but I laughed and shook my head.

"That's not gay, I'm glad. I'm glad that you're there for me like I'm there for you, I'll always be here," I didn't really know why but the last few words felt like a complete lie.

The weeks went on and I couldn't shake the feeling I had when I said those words "_I'll always be here,"_ why did they matter so much? I sat in church and listened to the priest talk about the demons within and how we must fight them no matter how much it hurts because being apart from God is pain greater than anything humans can inflict upon themselves. That day I decided I would go to confession, I had been before but I had never had anything to say and I had this feeling I had a decision to make.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned," I whispered shakily.

"Go on my child," the pastor's kindly voice sounded and I suddenly didn't know what to say.

"You know what you said today about the demons? What if you can't fight them Father? What if you just don't have the strength?"

"Blaine," I winced at the fact that the pastor knew who I was, "you have absolute strength when you have faith in God."

"But what if you can't fight it; like it isn't something you can fight because it is part of you, like your eye colour or a freckle… It can't be changed." The Father fell quiet for a few seconds, I knew he knew what I was trying to say and my heart was in my mouth. This was the first time I had said anything out loud and it was to a _priest_ he was not going to accept me, he would tell my parents they were doing a lousy job and I would be send away to one of those camps…

"My dear boy what are you confessing exactly?"

"Father I think… No, no I _know_, that, well, I'm not right." I couldn't even say it.

"_Not right?"_

_"_Yes Father, I'm different, I'm wrong, I'm disgusting…" I started to sob as the words left my mouth and we both knew they were the words of John Anderson that had scarred my brain. "I'm sorry Father, I just, I just can't do this." I exited the wooden box but was stopped with a firm hand on my shoulder; I looked up at the Priest who was looking at me with stern eyes that made me feel judged.

"Blaine you are not disgusting or wrong, you are young and you do not know yourself that is all, do not worry about these things," the pastor didn't offer to talk further but nodded and walked away. He may have said it in a kindly way but I know what he meant was don't think or talk of this again, you are not gay, you cannot be gay, now leave.

I sat in the back seat of the car silently, my parents were talking about something or other, I wasn't listening until my father was calling my name.

"Blaine, hello! BLAINE!"

"Huh?"

"Wake up son, we were just saying there's another ball coming up and Jeff Bridges' daughter Madison has been looking for a date," my dad stated it, I had no say in the matter, I would have to go and entertain the girl with my famous charm.

"Sounds great," I smiled with less vibrancy than usual but neither of my parents noticed or cared, as long as I agreed to what they wanted. I didn't mind going to balls with girls, we always had a good time, we always danced and laughed and by the end of the night they would be blushing, giggling messes. I would have to kindly kiss them on the hand or cheek but since I'm so young it didn't matter that nothing came out of it. The feeling of dread knotted in my stomach, how could I keep this up? I'd have to date someone at some point, I'd have to have 'the talk' with my dad which would probably consist of him telling me awkwardly to use a condom and not to get caught. I watched my parents talk and wondered just how bad it would be when or if I came out, a small voice told me it could be alright but it was drowned out by a laugh that manifested physically and made my parents give me a strange glance.

"Blaine why did you go to confession today?" My mom turned around with slanted eyes, I swallowed and prepared to lie…

**So I wanted the Priest to be all loving but I wrote it that way and it didn't feel right y'know? Blaine is so adorable, I hope I'm doing him justice. **


	5. Confessed With Love

I couldn't deny that I wasn't the most masculine man around, I liked a good shop especially when the spring/summer collections came out, I liked musicals (I'd only ever watched any at Lili's house), I used to read Vogue when Sierra was still at home but now there was no way I could buy it without my dad flipping out. People always thought my parents were oblivious, like they only ever saw me when they wanted to and sometimes it was true, sometimes I thought I could cut off my head and put it on the table without my dad glancing up from the finance section. But in the end they were parents and they noticed things that I didn't, they noticed when I sung Britney instead of Justin and complimented my mother's new heels with surprising specifics.

Just before Christmas Clarissa-Elizabeth had come up to me with a neat package, we didn't talk often but we shared French and she made me laugh.

"Oh Clarry you didn't have to get me anything!"

"It's nothing, I've had it since France," she casually passed it over with her brown eyes twinkling; I nervously took it not liking the way she was looking at me.

"France?" I shook it and raised an eyebrow, she gave me a curt nod and I unwrapped it slowly, I hated ripping paper. "Oh my God Clarry!" The bright pink sunglasses made smile just as much as they had six months ago, "how did you know?"

"I saw you looking at them, everyone gave you such a hard time but I think they go with your colouring," she put a hand on my forearm and leaned in closely, "also I thought it would be a good coming out present." I couldn't speak after she said that, how did she know? Had she told anyone? Was she going to? My stomach flipped over and my mouth went dry, we stood staring at each for what felt like ages.

"I think you better take these back Clarissa," I said shoving the glasses into her small hands before practically running to my next class; my heart was beating madly and I couldn't keep my fingers still. The next couple of hours were hell, I couldn't concentrate on anything my teachers or friends were saying and Luke decided he would take last period to confront me.

"Blaine seriously man you need to tell us what's going on, you look ill," his blue eyes made my heart skip beats but I had to make myself speak and seem normal.

"Nothing is wrong I'm just not feeling great-"

"What for three months B? I don't think so," he cut through my pathetic excuse, "you're not even talking to Gus about it, it must be bad. Is it your family? You know my parents aren't together anymore…" I felt so guilty looking at him trying so hard to relate to me but I knew I just couldn't tell him; Luke was Mr. Perfect he couldn't afford to have a gay best friend.

"No, I don't think so, I guess I just feel like I'm not who I'm supposed to be y'know?"

"Yeah, it's the nature of being the children of the successful and the stuck-up," he laughed more relaxed now knowing that I didn't have anything too horrible to deal with. "We're young, really young B, we just need to fuck about and not give a damn. I mean even if we really royally cock it up our parents will pay for our slates to be cleaned, nothing is too dirty and no one is too high to be paid off," he leaned back in his chair occasionally glancing at the babbling History teacher who didn't seem to care that we weren't paying attention.

"So there's nothing we can do to be… out-casted?" Luke smiled at me and I had to look away before I started to blush.

"Blaine it wouldn't matter if you murdered and ate a prostitute, _you _will be forgiven and loved by everyone and anyone trust me," was I making up the way he was looking at me? I simply nodded and thanked him; he patted my shoulder in his familiar way… Wait was his thumb rubbing me? I turned to look at his hand and he pulled it away quickly, his pale face flushing as he bent of his blank piece of paper. I did the same trying to hide a smile, my skin tingling, my stomach was full of butterflies and I had a plan formulating in my head.

* * *

><p>When I opened my locker to store my books over Christmas a flash off pink tumbled out, I bent down to pick up the glasses and found a note taped to them.<p>

_Blaine be as bold as your taste in sunglasses and you'll have nothing to fear. Don't underestimate how much your friends love you – Clarry. _

I didn't notice I was crying until Gus found me standing, staring at the glasses like a complete moron.

"Blaine… What, what's wrong?"

"Urgh nothing Gus," I wiped my face furiously, why was I so weak? "I just," my voice hitched as another sob took over. Gus stepped forward and hugged me awkwardly while I ruined his over-sized blazer, I wanted to feel embarrassed but I couldn't feel anything, not the stares or Gus's hand on my back.

"It's OK B, we all have moments like this, you know I've lost count of how many times I've cried," Gus was just trying to make me feel better but I just couldn't stop thinking about how everyone was seeing Blaine Anderson crying in the middle of the hallway at school while holding a pair of hot pink sunglasses.

"Thanks Gus, I think I'm gonna go home today, sorry I just know I won't be any fun today," my tanned friend smiled sadly but accepted that I needed some alone time today.

"I'll call you tomorrow, my cousins are spending the holidays here and I could use some back up when they arrive," he laughed I knew that Gaspar had a very large family both of his parents having four siblings, I wasn't sure that even their massive house could hold that many people.

"You know I'll be there for you," I said hoping that he got the message that I needed him desperately at the moment but his naïve brown eyes just looked worried instead of knowing and I decided that I couldn't drag him into this. We walked out the school together talking about anything that we could to get our minds off what had just happened, we ignored some snickering freshmen that had witnessed my breakdown. Gus had climbed into his father's brand new Mercedes when I saw the Range Rover and my father's **J B A** number plate but the driver wasn't someone I was expecting.

"Blaine!" My sister swamped me when I jumped into the front seat next to her, I didn't think she was supposed to be here for at least a week and my stomach fell guiltily because truth be told I wasn't in the mood for her all-knowingness.

"Hey why are you here so early?"

"Oh yeah thanks B feelin' so loved here," she laughed her long brown curls shimmering in a way I had admired since I was born, I would fall asleep stroking her brunette locks. "Well I just couldn't wait to see you, it's been months and Louisa told me you haven't been yourself lately?" I cursed the housekeeper internally but there was a flicker in my chest that resembled hope, Sierra wouldn't hate me for this, she was the one person I could count on to help me through this.

"Urgh why can't girls keep stuff to themselves! I've been fine Sierra I'm just," oh crap there it was again, "I'm just hormonal." Sierra sighed next to me and didn't turn into our house when we reached it but instead stopped quickly and told me to stay. She returned with our large dog Tucker bouncing at her heels, they both jumped back in and she kept on driving taking a sharp left and parking by the sign 'New Albany Nature Reserve and Recreational Area', the park we used to play when she still lived at home.

"Come on boys lets go for a walk," Tucker barked excitedly as he began to run wildly round the open area, I hadn't taken him walking here for months and I started to feel guilty, again. The air was cold but I had a thick red pea jacket and a white wool scarf, which I had bought earlier this week, on so I barely felt it. We walked for a while in silence watching Tucker run around like he was a new puppy when really he was eight; I tried not to think about what I'd do when he died. "So B," she broke the silence and my heart dropped, I couldn't lie to her, come on Blaine find the courage, _be brave_. "What is going on?"

"Wow thanks for being vague…"

"Sorry I just don't know what to say, you normally tell me everything, I'm not used to your silence."

"Urgh, it's nothing, well it might be, actually I don't think it is nothing I think it's something but it's not something I can be or something you'd want me to be and…" Sierra started laughing and I glanced up my heart thumping and confused.

"Oh baby B you really are in a muddle," she smiled but I couldn't smile back, this wasn't amusing anymore, this was my life going down the drain and I couldn't stop it. "Blaine you're scaring me what's happened? Something at school?" I shook my head _not yet_, "something at home?"

"Oh come on Sierra you've lived with our parents there's definitely something wrong with them," I tried to joke. "But no, no it's not that. It's not anything or anyone else, it's me," my voice shook, "I'm not… normal. I'm wrong, completely wrong, everything I am is a lie and everyone will hate me but I don't think I can stop it Si!"

"Blaine please tell me what you're talking about," I looked into her dark eyes and we both knew that Sierra understood she just also knew I had to say it out loud, that I _had _to finally come to terms with what I was saying.

"Sierra," I took a deep breath and a surge of confidence filled me, "I'm gay."

**Nawwh :) Sibling love is adorable but will it be enough to get B through the hard days ahead? Comments are welcome and appreciated.**


	6. Stand Up

**Wow I forgot this chapter sorry! Here we go sorry for any confusion.**

With only the sounds of the wind, Tucker barking and distant cars the silence between us was becoming heavy, I couldn't bring myself to look up at my sister, my words still ringing around my ears. Suddenly her warm arms were around me, she was holding me tightly and my chest tightened, warm tears dripped from my eyes but I didn't sob.

"Blaine how can you say that about yourself? You are beautiful whether you're gay or straight or whatever! This doesn't change that you are who you are, you've always been gay just because you realise it doesn't mean you're _different_." She wouldn't let go of me and I was glad, I was so glad that she was still here holding me like she had last time we saw each other.

"But Si I'm _gay_, do you know what our father says about people like th-me?"

"Blaine he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, you are better than him and I'm not afraid to say it. You have something he doesn't,"

"That doesn't change the fact I still have to live there, I still have to be there with them for another six years at least," I cut across her, suddenly overcome with emotion, "they'll hate me, my friends will hate me, it doesn't matter if they're wrong they are the people in my life Sierra." She sighed and rubbed my back soothingly; we both knew I was right, the next few years weren't going to be easy.

"That doesn't matter Blaine the people that _do _matter will love you and protect you, people like me and Gus and Lili and Luke, they will stand up for you I know it."

"I don't think so… Anyways I couldn't do that to Gus, he's not exactly the bravest person in the world, he doesn't need another target on his back especially one this deadly. Luke…" I faltered slightly remembering our last History lesson and the way he touched me, "I don't know SiSi I just don't think I can do this to them, it's not fair."

"Oh Blaine," she laughed and stroked my hair lazily, "always the hero, one day you'll have to think of your heart before others and it won't make you a bad person, it makes you human."

"I'm not human, I'm disgusting," I muttered quietly, Sierra's eyes were angry but she didn't say anything because she knew that these were the words I had been fed all my life. "Perhaps…" I started but I didn't finish, my brain was almost shocked at what I had been about to say, no Blaine it's not there yet, not yet.

When we got home I went for a hot shower and thought about everything, Sierra had told me to start slowly, tell one or two people and not to dive in at the deep end; not that I had any plan to. I decided that Lili, Luke and Gus should know, if I was going to confide in anyone it would be them, they wouldn't tell and if they stopped being friends with me then… Well let's think about that later.

* * *

><p>I remembered the conversation with Clarissa earlier and fished the pink sunglasses out my bag and put them on, she was right they looked amazing on even though my tan was nowhere near as dark as it had been this summer. I smiled happily for what felt like the first time in months, in that moment I was free to be who I was, no one was judging me and I wondered if this would be how it felt to be out and proud.<p>

Later that week I was sitting in Gus's TV room with Luke and Lili, we had been looking after six 5-8 year-olds all day and we were exhausted.

"I'm never having children," Luke exclaimed suddenly.

"Hear hear," Lili sighed from beside him, "or adopt teenagers or something."

"I'd have to adopt anyways," I said it before I realised I had said, I had been looking for the perfect moment to get the others together and tell them, I guess my brain decided now was that moment.

"Wait what?" Luke sat up and the other two glanced up at me, "why?"

"I…" I blushed, Goddamn. "Guys I have to tell you something and, well I just want to say that it's OK if you hate me forever," don't cry Blaine, do not fucking cry. Lili jumped up and grabbed my hand, Gus and Luke sat up straight, pausing the film and suddenly with all the attention on me I just wanted to go 'just joking!' "The reason I've been acting so weird lately-"

"You mean since summer," Gus snorted and smiled apologetically.

"Yeah I know it's been a while but the truth is… I'm gay."

"You're sure?" Luke spoke first, his blue eyes full of concern or disgust I couldn't tell right now. I nodded and looked at the floor while the silence went on and on, even the sounds of Gus's extended family seemed to quiet down the longer we sat there.

"I guess I'll just go," I stood up but Lili didn't let go of my hand, she looked into my eyes deeply, hers were brimming with tears that burst forward when she jumped up.

"Blaine I can't believe it, I just can't believe it, how comes you never said anything? Why didn't I have an inkling or _something_?" She searched my face but I just shrugged, I felt exhausted like I had run for miles and now someone wanted me to keep going.

"I just knew you would hate me," I sighed, "I knew that it would be pretty much a death sentence at school but I couldn't lie anymore and I just wanted you guys to know."

"Blaine we don't hate you," Lili said desperately but the pale faces of the boys behind her spoke volumes to me. "Does anyone else know?"

"Well Sierra and Clarissa, I didn't tell her though," I quickly added when Lili's face went into shock, "she bought me these." I pulled out the sunglasses, "in the summer because I said that I liked them and then at school she gave them to me and told me that she knew and that I should come out…"

"She's a fucking moron," Luke said bluntly staring at me, the emotion behind them was still such a mixture of curiosity and anger that I couldn't decide if I should keep his gaze or not.

"Agreed, she just wants some gossip. Blaine I know this is a lot to ask but I think that the less people that know the better for now, I mean maybe for another year or so?" Lili gave me a sad look and my heart dropped to the floor, another year pretending to be straight would probably kill me but then again was I even ready to come out on a bigger scale? "Luke, Gus, are you just gonna sit there like idiots while your best friend goes through the biggest emotional crisis that a teenager can experience?" All three of us guys blushed deeply; this was going to be utterly awkward even if they didn't stop being friends with me.

"Lil we don't have to talk abo-"

"YES YOU DO!" She shouted across me, "of course you do, what are you just going to carry on like normal and when you get a boyfriend find out that your best friends never actually accepted you they just pretended? How do you know they won't sell you out to the jocks and let them do awful things to you, like you hear on the news!" I glanced at my friends and they glanced back, would they do that?

"I… I'm sorry Blaine it's just a shock y'know?" Gus said almost inaudibly, "you're my best friend and I don't care how you take it," he laughed even when Lili hit him. "I'll always be here for you," we hugged awkwardly but I knew that he was trying and that was all that mattered. When we broke apart Luke was still sitting down, he glanced up and shook his head before walking out, my heart felt like it had stabbed multiple times. I wanted to run after him but my knees didn't work and apparently neither did my tear ducts because I still wasn't crying and it didn't feel like I was about to.

"Oh B he'll come around just give him some time," Lili said holding my arm tightly, but something in my gut told me it wasn't time Luke needed though what he _did_ need I have no idea.

We spent the next few hours talking about things, how we would handle this at school, if I was going to tell my parents, if I liked anyone (I blushed hard at this and couldn't say anything apart from shake my head furiously, I'd never admit the truth.) I left Gus's house that evening to go to dinner with my family with the best feeling in my chest, yes Luke's reaction had been a disappointment but I still had two people on my side and that's two more than I had ever thought would be. As I changed Sierra was doing her hair in my gilded mirror, I had told her everything about what had just happened, I tried not to think about Luke too much but the way he was looking at me before he left had imprinted itself behind my eyes.

* * *

><p>My improved mood continued through the Christmas holidays, even my parents noticed the change in me and when I performed in the church choir on Christmas eve the priest stopped me to ask how 'things were going.'<p>

_"I'm feeling a lot better about things actually, thanks," I smiled widely._

_"I'm glad, I told you, you were just mistaken-"_

_"No, i wasn't" I said bravely, "I'm just feeling better about it." The priest glared at me and walked away, my stomach dropped but I knew that I had to be brave if this was going to be part of my life._

* * *

><p>On New Years Eve the Bridges' held their famous parties and this year I was pretty excited about going, I would finally be able to stay up late enough to enjoy it after Sierra convinced Louisa it would be good for me to have a night out. Luke was going and my heart fluttered slightly at the thought of seeing him after three weeks apart while he holidayed in Bermuda with his family.<p>

Sierra was wearing an emerald green dress with a large brooch my mother had finally handed over when Daniel proposed on Boxing Day, much to the displeasure of my father. Dan was a plastic surgeon and one of the best but his family wasn't necessarily 'rich', he had won a scholarship to get through med school and that wasn't 'right' in my father's eyes. The brooch complimented her triple diamond white gold ring; I had to bite my tongue from making a comment that would have made my parents turn green. Daniel was wearing a matching emerald tie tonight that went well with my purple one. Sierra couldn't help but tell him, he had told me that New York was like gay capital and I ever thought of running away just to come and visit. Of course Si slapped him at the running away bit but agreed that if I ever needed someone to hop on a plane and they would welcome me gladly. I couldn't stop smiling at my sister and soon-to-be-brother-in-law, I really was a lucky guy.


	7. Bésame

**Quite long guys but drama can't be condense can it now! Enjoy,**

"How does she do it?" Lili hissed in my ear as she stared at my mother, who was wearing a tight red dress that showed her hipbones through the thin material.

"She hasn't eaten a meal since Sierra was born," I snickered wondering what other 14-year-old girl traits my mother hadn't outgrown.

"Sierra is hot," Gus sighed, I slapped him upside the head, "she's engaged and my _sister_ perro." I laughed as Gus eyed up Sierra's Latin curves without shame, while she talked happily to some old classmates and showed off her new engagement ring. Feeding off the atmosphere in the house I danced and had a couple glasses of champagne; in front of adults even the elites cooled their act, they would innocently sip their glasses and feign inexperience. It was nice to see the New Albany girls in proper clothing and _especially_ nice to see the boys in suits, some of the senior swim team were able to look just as hot in clothes as they were out of them.

_Oh shit in hell swim practice is next semester, don't worry Blaine just enjoy tonight._

Near to midnight everyone was in the garden as we all prepared for the countdown to start, I didn't mind that I wouldn't have anyone to kiss while Lili and her boyfriend Tony were dancing and even Gus had found a girl, I think her name was Cassie she was the cousin of someone or other.

"OKAY EVERYONE THE COUNTDOWN IS ABOUT TO START!" The bodiless voice was greeted to loud screams, my heart fluttered, I suddenly realised that this was the start of a new year. This was the start of my first year being 'out' and I know it wasn't fully yet but you had to start somewhere right?

**10.**

The countdown started and I was jittery.

**9.**

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I spun round to be facing my blonde friend, who was wearing his adorable lopsided smile.

"Mr. Charlton, long-time no see."

"I know," he looked at the ground, "I was going to call but I didn't know what to say."

**8.**

"It's OK Luke, you just needed time, I get it." I punched his shoulder lightly, he wasn't wearing a tie and his open necked shirt showed just enough of his tanned chest to make my mouth go dry.

"Yeah but thing is-"

**7.**

"Thing is it's more than that Blaine." He was nervous; his hands were playing with his cuffs until the links clattered to the ground.

**6.**

"Luke what the hell is up with you? Too much champagne again?" I laughed and helped him pick up his cufflinks and then stood place them back on his crisp shirt, our hands touched and we both jerked back at the electric reaction.

**5.**

"Probably, I've been looking for you all night! You're sister looks amazing by the way," he blushed.

"Thanks I know, being love really suits her aha," Luke smiled; he had braces but somehow still looked sexy. Whoa, I just called my best friend sexy?

**4. **

"Blaine I really just want to tell you, I'm jealous."

"Jealous? Of what?"

"You, you and your absolute confidence." I was so confused right now; Luke was looking straight in my eyes with a look that made me feel like jelly.

**3.**

"You know who you are and you don't care who else knows."

"That's not true, I'm more afraid of everyone knowing than you could ever imagine," I laughed and glanced at my shoes in embarrassment.

"But at least you know, at least you're not confused…" I frowned at his words, what was he trying to say?

**2. "Everyone get ready to kiss!"**

"Luke I'm confused too now," he stepped forward still looking at me.

"Blaine I don't want you to be confused I just can't help myself whenever I look at you…"

**1. ****"HAPPY NEW YEAR!"**

Then he kissed me, he kissed me, _he kissed me_. I didn't know what do apart from kiss back, his mouth tasted like champagne and Luke, I know that's impossible but he did OK? We kissed for what felt like years, our tongues meeting briefly and my whole body turned into everything and nothing at the same time. Every thought that I'd ever had about how being gay was wrong melted away into the absolute perfection of how he felt on me, _this_ is how a kiss is supposed to feel. When we broke apart it seemed to soon, we just looked at each other for a while until suddenly the sound came back on and reality kicked in.

**"OH MY GOD DID YOU SEE THAT?"**

**"IS THAT BLAINE ANDERSON?"**

**"AND LUKE CHARLTON?"**

**"THEY'RE BOTH GUYS!"**

My head was spinning, everyone was staring, everyone was silent and I wanted to be sick. Luke had lost all colouring in his face, his mouthed _"I'm sorry,"_ then dashed away into the crowd, I couldn't blame him but a part of me wanted to scream, what was I going to do? Then it happened.

"Blaine what the _hell _is going on?" My father was speaking quietly and calmly and that was the worst thing that could have happened, I looked up and his eyes were trying to strangle me.

"I don't, I don't know?" I mumbled, I really didn't, maybe I could play this off as too much champagne or a dare or something.

"Well I think it's about time we got going, _don't you,_" he hissed at me and beckoned with his hand, which was shaking slightly. Sierra was standing by with her hands over her mouth; I stared at her hopelessly as though she could make me disappear.

She walked forward and put her arm round my shoulders and with Daniel's help we pushed through the gaping crowd, I wanted to curl up and die but I held my head high, I'm an Anderson, I will not be beaten.

"I'm sorry SiSi, I'm so, so sorry," I whispered to her, falling into her soft shoulder as my strength left me.

"Blaine don't you dare apologise, this is nothing to be ashamed of, most of those people in there are staring out of curiosity and those who weren't are just assholes." She spat her words with anger I hadn't heard from her for a while.

"Yeah Blaine, Sierra is right you can't let this affect you, things are always going to be hard but you have to do what you're doing now, keep your head high and smile." Daniel gave me a weak smile but I just couldn't return it, my parents were saying their goodbyes, probably making up a pathetic story of how I had drunk too much or was 'dreadfully ill' but I couldn't care. I was going to be killed tonight so flipped out my phone to call Lili only to find ten missed calls from the girl.

"Lili," I breathed as we got out into the drive, Sierra and Daniel walked away to give me some privacy

"Holy mother of Jesus God Mary Lucifer and cheese," she said, "are you OK!"

"Yeah I'm fine, for now, just wait till I get home," I laughed nervously.

"BLAINE!" Gus's voice called from somewhere down the line, "BLAINE OH MY GOSH WHAT JUST HAPPENED!"

"I don't know Gus, I don't know anything anymore… Have you guys seen Luke?" All I could think of was how Luke must be feeling right now, he hadn't seemed drunk and I barely tasted any of the alcohol in his mouth

"No, I think he bolted when everyone started to stare, why did he kiss you anyways?" Lili asked, I could imagine her eyebrows raising in a questioning manner.

"I don't know he told me he was confused and he was jealous that I knew who I was and then he just kissed me? It was so… surreal," and lovely I added in my head but I knew it wasn't the time or the place to say that out loud. I saw my parents coming towards us and my heart dropped out my ass, "gotta go get killed or sent to Alabama, I'll get Sierra to call you tomorrow kay?"

"OK B we love you, if you get kicked out you can come and live with me," she sounded so scared and it was scaring me, would my parents really do something to me?

"I love you too," I hung up and handed the phone to Sierra who hid it safely in her purse, her dark eyes were shining and angry but I shook my head and decided I had to take this as it came. My father climbed in the car and ordered the engine to be started without even looking at any of us, Daniel glanced between us awkwardly and we decided to get in, I got in the boot seat hoping that I could just disappear. Sierra kept glancing between our parents and me, we were thoroughly confused by their silence so she handed my phone back and we started to text, Daniel snickered slightly until she kicked him with a small smile.

_-This is bad…._

_-Well no shit Sherlock._

_-No really Blaine I've never seen them like this, even when they caught me with Paul in senior year._

_-Si am I going to die?_

_-I won't let him touch you._

_-Would he?_

She glanced up at our dad, he was staring ahead with such force I was worried the glass would shatter.

-_I don't know Blaine, he's never touched us before but look at him?_

_-I'm scared._

_-I know but D and I are going to be here, we're going to make sure it's OK._

_-What if they send me away?_

_-We'll take you back to NY, there is no way anyone is punishing you for this._

Dan grabbed the phone and quickly typed up a text:

_-Btw that guy was FIINNEEEEE._

We both stared at him desperately, then started to laugh, really laugh. Tear were running down Sierra's face and her mascara was everywhere but we just couldn't stop, my mom turned around and gave us death stares.

"¡Will you just callate la boca por favor, por UNO segundo!" My mother shouting in Spanglish was _never _a good sign, we all fell silent and as she glared at us with her bony chest heaving. I caught her eye and she looked away with shame, I suddenly felt two centimetres tall and dirty, I needed a shower, I needed to be cleaned. Sierra's hand touched mine and I nearly threw up, I jerked away; I couldn't let her touch me, I didn't deserve her comfort. I didn't look up for the rest of the drive so I didn't see Sierra's confused and hurt look, but I did see her and Daniel's entwined hands and I felt even worse, I would never be able to do that with someone that I loved.

We arrived home and everyone walked in the house silently, Dad went straight to his study and returned a few minutes later with a full glass of whiskey which I could guess was probably very old and expensive, he was going to pass out tonight.

"Sierra what's happening?" Louisa whispered to my sister as we stood awkwardly in the hall not knowing if we should go to our rooms or if something would happen.

"Blaine kissed Luke at countdown," she said softly but not softly enough because my newly appeared father came towards her.

"Don't you even _fucking_ dare, don't you say that again, it didn't happen!" He looked like he was going to hit Louisa but Daniel pulled her closer to him and glared at John harshly. "No one is to ever say that again," he turned to me with a sneer, "_you _are going to get sorted, you are _not_ getting away with this, this _disgusting perversion _of yours!"

"DAD!" Sierra shouted, "Dad how can you say that to him! He hasn't done anything wrong." My mother gasped and sat down on the stair case as though someone had just knocked her over.

"Nothing wrong? How can you say that you saw! You saw what, what he did! It was _sickening_," he directed the word at me with more venom than I had ever thought he was capable of. "Andersons are not raised like this, we will not stand for this!

"That's bullshit Dad! This isn't an illness, this isn't a 'perversion', this isn't anything apart from how Blaine is! Nothing has changed, haven't you seen how happy he's been? Why are you doing this?"

"BECAUSE IT ISN'T NORMAL SIERRA!" He bellowed and she cowered slightly, Dan moved towards her with a fierce look in his eyes, I knew Dan liked to stand up to my father but I just wanted everyone to shut up.

"Mr. Anderson please just listen to reason, Blaine is the most amazing boy, he's not any different from who you thought he was,"

"_Not any different! Are you insane? This changes everything," _my father came close to my face, I tried to stand my ground but I was sure he could hear my heart beating like a drum. "You are going to get over this, OK? You are going to tell everyone you were drunk and you are _never _to see that boy again! If I hear of anymore indiscretions you will be straight on a plane to be _fixed_, now get out of my sight." I scrambled past my sobbing mother as fast as I could, as soon as my door slammed closed I started to cry, my whole body shook violently and I could barely breathe through the sobs that had taken me over. I fell to the floor as my knees gave way, I had never felt this low and my brain just didn't want to work as I crawled into the bathroom and laid on the cold floor. I fell too fast and my head hit the floor, the pain shocked me but I also welcomed it, I deserved it, I deserved every bit of pain that I was feeling. In a sudden moment of utter madness I searched through my drawers in a flurry, I found a hand-held razor and threw it to the ground; the head shattered and I picked it apart, five tiny blades falling into my palm.

I rolled up my sleeve when I paused, this was too obvious, I stripped my clothes and pressed the cold metal to my hip, the only part of me that no one ever saw. I took a deep breath and dragged for about two centimetres, the pain was more intense than I was expecting but as the stinging faded I felt a rush fill my body. When I finally dropped the small blade back into a drawer my hips were running with blood and covered in little cuts, I stood and stared at my reflection; my eyes had dark bags under them, my stance was weak and defeated, the red that covered my hips had run down my leg and started to dry. I looked so pathetic, I just wanted to be dead but I knew I wasn't brave enough do anything like that, _"I'll always be here," _those words echoed in my head again. Would I be here forever? If my parents had their way I wouldn't even be here right now, I would be cold and dead and gone; no scandal, no shame, no Blaine. I fell asleep to the sounds of my sister and mother shouting somewhere downstairs just wishing that I wouldn't wake up or if I did then let this be a nightmare.

**Ahhh so I hope you guys like how it's going, I'm up way too late writing this.**


	8. Alive Yet

_"The thing that makes this love alive is that,_

_I'd want your heart to beat instead of mine._

_The places I've lived all my life,_

_Only feel like home,_

_When you're inside._

_There's heroes alive in us yet,_

_You've got to find them before they run away-again._

_The heroes that live in ourselves,_

_You've got to find them."_

The music playing and my sister's voice was coming from every direction; I couldn't think properly as I opened my eyes. That perfect moment when you don't remember your name, your face, your anything and you are just _alive_ passed far too quickly and then the memories came flooding back into my head with such force I cried out. I sat up and my whole body protested, I had never slept on the bathroom floor before, but last night wasn't exactly normal so I brushed it off. My hips stung madly and I glanced down at the angry red cuts that littered them, I didn't feel ashamed, I welcomed the pain they caused with a small smile. **It was all real**. I brushed my teeth slowly not daring to look at myself and got dressed in joggers and a hoodie, I paused as my hand touched the door handle wondering if I should go out. I walked over to my window and peeked out over the drive, the Bentley was gone and so was the Audi which meant both my parents were out of the house, I sighed in relief and went to find Sierra and maybe have some food, fried eggs sounded good round about now.

"SiSi?" I called out in the kitchen, her iPhone was in the dock on the counter playing Yashin, I wondered if she would ever grow out of her eighteen-year-old's music taste but the heavy music was just what I needed.

"Blaine! You're up? You're alive? Are you OK?" She looked utterly confused to see me standing there and it made me laugh; the sound was coarse and made me wince.

"Yeah I'm peachy, eggs sunny side up?"

"Way ahead of you," she plated up two eggs with toast and placed it on the bar where she stood watching me with worried eyes.

"Thanks, I'm starving," I sat down and she continued to watch me like I was about to shatter into a million pieces, which wouldn't surprise me, but it still made me uncomfortable. "Please don't look at me like that unless you're going to say something as well, I'm not going to break Sierra," I snapped maybe because I _was_ broken and I just didn't want her to know, I couldn't let her know what I had done last night.

"How are you even up right now? I would be lying on the floor crying…" I glanced up and stared at her.

"Wow vote of confidence there sis,"

"I'm sorry but last night was pretty intense, our parents haven't spoken all morning," she leaned over the counter towards me and I just couldn't find the energy to care.

"Si you say that like it's _weird_, it's not, our parents are mad, the whole town knows I'm a fag and life goes on." I shovelled the rest of my food down without really tasting it, I didn't want to have this conversation with her, I wanted to talk about Football or the weather or her wedding, ANYTHING but my sexuality would be a nice break right now. Daniel came in and sat next to me, he stayed there awkwardly while Sierra made more food and coffee.

"Hey B, how are ya?"

"I'm fine, better than I expected."

"Oh good good, well maybe we could watch the game later then? Take Tucker for a walk perhaps?"

"Urmm maybe leaving the house isn't such a good idea today…" Si cut in over Dan's offer, she gave him a stern look before smiling sweetly at me.

"Sure whatever, I just need a distraction to be honest."

"So I'm guessing you don't want this?" Her green nailed hand held up my phone I stared at the screen: 76 messages and 52 missed calls. My jaw dropped slightly, my curiosity and self-hating side wanted to go through every single one but my rational side said I should just delete all them without looking.

"Are there, are there any from Luke?" I whispered his name and looked into Sierra's eyes, she smiled sadly and nodded.

"He called a bunch of times this morning and left a few messages, you'll probably have to look for them though," she handed the device to me and I stared at it like it was about to explode.

"Maybe you shouldn't B, might see some stuff you really don't need right now," Dan said in a calming voice and I knew he was right but the same part of me that made me stand up to the Pastor and that had kept my head held up at the party was telling me I should look. I should look and see who I could trust, what people have said, I should get it out the way and then from then on nothing can hurt me because I've already heard it all.

"Maybe… But that would require me being in a fit state to judge anything and since I'm not, I'm going to look, see you guys later," I jumped off the stool and walked into the garden. Tucker followed me barking loudly and when I sat down under a tree he ran in circles before realising I was in no mood to play and curled up at my side, his big head in my lap and his brown eyes were sombre and caring. "Oh Tuck what have I done?" He whined and pushed his muzzle into my hand, as I stroked his soft face I began to tackle the task ahead.

Soon enough I found that most of my calls were from Luke, Lili, Gus and Clarissa, there were a couple of unknown numbers that had called a dozen times each but overall not many people had called or left voice messages. One was from a guy on the lacrosse team called Marcus, he sounded stoned and told me to watch out next semester but I didn't take it too seriously. A lot of the text messages were anonymous ones just saying 'fag', 'queer', 'watch out Anderson' etc. A few were people offering their love, a group text from my swim teammates that read '_we'll be wearing our good speedos next semester so watch out ;)_' made me smile warmly. I got through them pretty quick and suddenly there it was;

_-Blaine I'm sorry – Luke_

_-Look I really don't know how to say how sorry I am, please text back – Luke_

_-I know you must be mad and I'm willing to tell your dad it's all my fault, I promise I'll try and make this better – Luke_

_-Please pick up the phone – Luke_

_-Please, please, please pick up the phone? – Luke_

_-I get it if you don't ever want to hear from me again but please could you just tell me you're OK? – Luke_

There was about ten more just like those, he was getting more and more worked up as it went on, I felt guilty for not having my phone on me but I probably would have thrown it out the window with all the buzzing. I didn't look at the rest of the texts, I could do it later and I had gotten ten more since I sat down anyways. This was going to be the end of me, I didn't know how I was supposed to show up at school next week, the parent committee was at that party, the headmaster was at that party, 98% of the student body was at that party and apparently had my phone number. I leaned back and enjoyed the refreshing cold air that nipped at my nose and ears, Tucker left me after a while, he was too old to be this cold, and thought of nothing. I decided I would ignore it, I would take my dad's advice and just pretend like nothing had ever happened because then maybe it would go away, people would forget and then they wouldn't care if I ever kissed someone else, it would be old news. This was the worst idea ever but I had never been in this position before, I didn't know what you did when you had a problem because all my problems had been sorted for me by someone else. What did you do when you went from the top to the bottom of the food chain in one night? Surely there were other gay kids at N.A.H? I closed my eyes and went back to the kiss, the moment when nothing else but us touching mattered and tried to block out the fact that soon enough I would have to deal with reality. My phone vibrated again and I looked down out of instinct.

_-I always knew you were a faggot, don't think we're going to let this down easy Anderson, you can't be an elite and a queer it doesn't work like that. Next week you are going to learn what your mistake has cost you, I don't care what excuses you use, we'll fix you. – Kirk._

So that was it, I was officially kicked out of the elite group, which meant I was now touchable again. I was now wide open to receive any punishment anyone deemed fit. I glanced at the house and saw Sierra and Dan embracing in the kitchen, my heart twitched heavily, why was love so complicated? Why did it even matter who you loved, it's not like I was forcing anyone else to like guys was I? I wondered what they'd do to me, I had never been bullied or known anyone to be bullied, I mean I saw some kids pick on this geeky boy at my elementary school; they used to break his glasses every morning before school. I slumped back against the knarled tree, perhaps I should just go to New York now, transfer and escape this all before it can even start.

No. No, I'm Blaine Anderson I will get through this, I won't let it break me I still had friends and family who loved me and that's all that mattered, I just had to not care what they thought.

**This is kind of a filler chapter I guess I ended up writing loads for it aha. The lyrics are from Heroes (Alive in us yet) - Yashin, who are one of my favourite bands so check them out! Gonna speed things up for you guys.**


	9. Wake Up Call

Yellow and brown bruises were everywhere: my face, chest, ribs, back and it all hurt like hell. The last couple of months had passed in one big blur of awkward silences, abusive words, hard punches and too short phone calls with Sierra, I was hoping she would come home for my birthday but she called this morning to tell me that just wasn't going to happen. Tonight I was looking forward to pizza, a movie and some good company.

I had lost and gained surprising friends this semester; Luke I didn't talk but we were civil and Clarissa had happily taken his place even though Lili still wasn't happy that Clarry had known before she had. My swim teammates had been thoroughly divided, the friendly text had been sent by the capital Max, a senior who was picked to be on the next Olympics team for his swimming. He had assumed that everyone would be on board since James our vice-captain was out as bisexual (**since when?** I had exclaimed when finding out) and was in a long distance relationship with another guy who lived in Hawaii. Unfortunately the 7th, 8th and 9th graders didn't quite take the laid back attitude the older kids had learnt to take with James. I think being gay was different from being bisexual, James could be _normal, _he still commented on the girls at swim meets and he still flirted with the cheerleaders that admired his perfect body. He had offered to talk to me about things but I had just blushed heavily and stuttered I was handling things, even when his brown eyes ran over my damaged body, even when he saw me get slammed into lockers and called crude and awful things I still foolishly denied his help.

"Blaine your friends are here!" Louisa called up from the hallway, I pulled on a cream jumper and some jeans, after the 'incident' my father had come down hard on my wardrobe and now inspected each and every outfit I wore. Thankfully I had managed to smuggle my scarf collection into Lili's house, there had to be a good ten grand spent on those scarves and I wasn't giving them up for anyone. The pink sunglasses were hidden in my bathroom drawer with my blades, I would wear them everyday after school to remind me of what was to come, if I could just make it through this year then it would get better and I was planning on wearing them out this summer.

"Hey BB," Clarry hugged me and passed over a handful of shopping bags which Louisa took with a smile; she had been my rock, she was even buying me vogue every week even though she knew it could get her fired.

"Oh wow thanks C," Clarissa had insisted on using initials so we could 'be like Serena and Blair and then we'd be so totally awesome' but ended up adding an extra 'B' to my already standing nickname. She liked to be original.

"It's nothing, my mom was in Miami and I had her pick up a few things. Don't worry they're all daddy Anderson proof, my mom's gaydar is even better than mine and she said these aren't even close to what some of the metrosexuals are wearing nowadays."

"Oh God, she'll have you in leotards and nipple tassels soon enough," Gus laughed and hugged me as well.

"You might as well be wearing a leotard, you're freezing Gus!" He had been living here three years and he _still_ underestimated the February weather.

"Yeah I think I need to borrow some of your scarves," I laughed but his face dropped suddenly and I spun around to find my Dad with a drink in one hand and a frown on his face.

"What does he mean _scarves_ Blaine? We got rid of all your… Fag clothing," he was drunk and slurring like every other time he had talked to me since January. "Don't imply those things about son, ever," he growled at Gus before glaring at me and walking back into his study heavily.

"Is he like that all the time?" Lili asked quietly.

"Yeah, pretty much." I sighed, "he still hasn't talked about it yet and until he acknowledges that it actually happened I don't care." I looked up to see my friends all watching me with worried eyes, I hated doing this to them why did my problem have to be their problem as well? "Come on guys it's my birthday! Louisa did you ordered the pizza?"

"Yes, about 20 minutes ago, I'll bring it in when it arrives," she nodded her head slightly which made me uncomfortable but I knew it was just habit.

"No that's OK we'll eat round the table, Mom will kill me if I get anything on the sofa," I was trying so hard to keep things normal when in fact my Mom wouldn't have noticed if I smeared blood on the walls. She wasn't as cold as my Dad but she still looked at me like I was dirty, like I was something _evil_ and I had a good feeling that her meeting with Father Charles had a big influence on that. I hadn't been to church in a month, my parents refused to let me be seen there with them, but I had been to confession again. My penance was to apologize to my parents and pray and I had done neither. My parents had refused to believe that the kiss had meant anything, they didn't listen when Sierra and Dan had said I was gay, they didn't listen when I said I was gay and they weren't listening when the kids at my school shouted I was gay. I was honestly sick of that word: gay, homo, queer, fag, bender, cocksucker, pervert… The list went on and on and all of them hurt more than I ever thought, you never think that words could make things that bad until you're hearing them everyday, all day from people that used to be your friends.

That evening went smoothly and that was all I could hope for; this time last year Kirk and Jack had been planning a huge house party for me, it was going to be something that we'd barely remember but never forget. Although part of me was glad it never happened, I still hated being the centre of attention like that, the only reason I was in the choir was the fact I was one of 25 other kids. But I couldn't help but yearn for the days that Friday and Saturday nights were never spent at home, that everyone wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. So I had ducked out of many parties, claiming ill or family events but still I was _wanted_. My parents were going to the Valentine Ball at the Country club in a week and they hadn't said anything to me, I wasn't dying to go but not being invited to the ball meant that parents were talking and none of it was in my favour.

"Blaine how are you doing this?" Lili asked me quietly as we were all snuggled on the sofa, Clarry and Gus were entwined and asleep on the other end while Sex and The City played quietly on the TV. "It's been two months and you look like hell, the swim coach can't ignore it much longer."

"Lili I'm fine, it's like a rite of passage, everyone goes through a rough time at first, this isn't bad compared to what some people go through!"

"But you're not some people you're my friend and you're being abused for no good reason!"

"Please I'm not getting 'abused' sweetie, I'm getting pushed against lockers and called a fag," I winced at the word but kept her gaze steadily.

"Do your parents know?" I laughed suddenly at her, she really had no idea, "please Blaine you have to tell them!"

"Oh my God they don't give a shit as long as their reputation isn't on the line everything is peachy, but honestly Lil bruises are nothing, I'll heal up and next year it will be like this never happened." I pulled her into my chest and she relaxed slightly, she tried to take Sierra's place when she wasn't around and it was endearing but I felt so guilty every time her blue eyes shimmered with concern.

"If you really believe that Blaine then people are giving you way more credit than you deserve," she giggled.

"Shut up and let me enjoy a few moments of few gayness," I hit her and put my eyes back to the TV, SATC wasn't the best program but like the sunglasses in my bathroom it represented a freedom and a pride that I was desperate to feel in everyday life. A few moments later she was asleep and I had decided that I would get my parents to know that I was gay and that I was always going to be gay and they would have to accept me or… Well I'm not sure.

* * *

><p>My opportunity came over Spring Break when my parents decided that we would go to Barbados for a week with some other families, I was looking forward to spending some time in the heat and wearing my sunglasses. Gus and I came down dinner and the glasses were propped on my head neatly, my heart was beating like a bongo but I had to do this, I had to do something to make my parents notice me again.<p>

"Hey nice glasses queer," Hugo Redver snickered to Jack who shook his head in despair.

"They _are _nice you asshole," Liliana snapped, "neon is going to be massive this summer, rave is back in." She played with my hair quickly attempting to style the curls but in the Caribbean humidity it had no effect. The boys eyed her wearily, everyone knew Lili had a psychic ability when it came to trends and N.A.H boys could _not_ ignore fashion trends.

"Blaine!" My mother's voice raised three octaves when she caught sight of me, "what are you wearing?" She stared at the glasses like I was wearing a dildo on my forehead, I giggled at the mental image I supplied myself with and she grabbed my forearm tightly. "You will take them off _right now_, you're embarrassing yourself!"

"Mom I'm embarrassing _you_ there's a difference," I stated bluntly, "so no, no I won't take them off. Clarry bough them for me and they're pretty."

"Pretty? Pretty!" My Dad bellowed from across the bar, "Blaine what the fuck is wrong with you! Take those things off and stop being rude to your mother!" People were starting to stare, Lili stepped forward and took my hand, I went to say something but she was already talking.

"Mr. Anderson Blaine has wanted to wear these glasses all year, they're so in fashion at the moment and I think he looks good. Please just let him-"

"I won't let my son wear anything that _faggy_!"

"On the contrary," she swallowed nervously and I saw her Mom stand up to join our little argument. "Steve is wearing a pink shirt, Mr. Young has a purple cufflinks and JJ is wearing the same jeans as Lucy…" She started to fade off as my Dad's face started to go a horrible shade of burgundy, his eyes flickered across the group and everyone had gone silent. JJ and Lucy were trying not to laugh as they both checked their labels and found Lili's words to be true.

"John I think you better calm down," Daria Richards said sternly, "you're causing a scene."

"A scene! My son is wearing those sunglasses and you're daughter is defending him! It's disgusting, I thought we were done with this Blaine!"

"With what?" I dared him to say it, we both knew that he hadn't said it because he would be admitting there was a 'problem' with his perfect life.

"With you being… being wrong!" Almost everyone gasped, the open display of homophobia was not something that would be tolerated, yes behind closed doors, in locker rooms and church pews everyone turned a blind eye but this proved just how ignorant these people really were.

"John," Daria looked at him with helpless eyes, "how can you say that about your son? Silvia you don't agree, do you?" She was good friends with my Mom but had obviously never seen this side of her.

"Well… I, I just… It's not… you know…" I had never heard Silvia Anderson stuck for words before, even when she spilt red wine down the back of someone's white Alexander McQueen she had managed to still speak while everyone else stood perfectly and absolutely still.

"This is insane! Look at him! He's thirteen for Christ's sake, he needs a little bit of guidance, even if you don't agree with it, it doesn't mean you abandon your son! Blaine," she spun around to face me, her Russian accent always made me want to giggle but right now it was sobering and authoritative. "Sweetie I think maybe dinner isn't such a good idea tonight, I want to talk to you."

"No Mrs. Richards, I really couldn't make you miss out on dinner just for me, I'll be fine," I smiled even though it physically hurt having so many people witness the most private aspect of my life like it was a play or something.

"No, Maria, Eduardo, if you don't mind I think Gus should join us tonight," Gus's parents nodded stiffly, I don't think anyone could believe what had happening or still happening or going to happen. I followed Daria with Gus and Lili at my side, my parents started to talk very fast trying to dig themselves out of the social grave they had just dug.

**So another chapter, things aren't going to get much better for poor Blaine just yet unfortunately. Hope you enjoyed!**


	10. Dance, Dance

"Blaine you've been here four times now and I don't feel like we've gotten very far," the balding man with his legs crossed too tightly was giving me that look again - I still didn't know what it meant but I knew that he was getting frustrated.

"That's because I have nowhere to go," I sighed and closed my eyes, _get me out of here, get me the fuck out of here_.

"Then why are you here?"

"Because my parents told me to come," I wanted to kill him.

"Well you had to agree to it?"

"No. They lied to me, again." He glanced up and his over-plucked eyebrows raised about a foot, he was obviously being paid enough to ignore everything I said about my parents and just tell me they were right.

"I'm sure they didn't lie to you Blaine,"

"Well then why aren't I at swim practice right now?" He wrote something on his notepad, probably a shopping list or something ridiculous. "Look, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be _straight _I want to be _loved by my parents_ and if they're relative then I guess I'll have to live with that, won't I?" I glanced out the window; it was a bright sunny day in July and the conversion therapy my parents were passing off as 'conventional' therapy (clever right?) was driving me insane. My therapist was 'cured' Joe Mayne but really he had gotten more and more gay as the four weeks went on, I had an internal bet he was going to start wearing lip gloss next week.

I hadn't told anyone about the true nature of my therapy, Daria Richards would have set my parents on fire if she knew, not that I was blaming her just my overactive sense guilt was acting up. My Dad had actually talked to me these past few months and I was enjoying it, I mean nothing in-depth just the casual 'pass the salt' or 'good day?' Neither of which needed much answering, just enough to make him feel like he was doing his good parenting deed for the day. This summer was supposed to be a welcome break from the taunts and physical abuse which had just gotten worse and worse, I was pretty sure I had fractured my hand when it was slammed in a door 'by accident' by one of the football players. I decided that I would take James up on his offer the first day back in September; I had stepped through the school gates and someone tripped me up, the rough gravel had scraped red lines into my face and it _hurt_. He had graduated last semester but he hadn't left town yet, he was going travelling around Europe for a few months and he agreed to meet me for coffee.

"James this is ridiculous," I said as he examined my face, "why hasn't it gotten better?"

"Urgh because people are assholes, you've been so brave Blaine but you can't go on giving people the benefit of the doubt, at some point you'll have to stand up for yourself."

"That'll mean involving more people,"

"Yeah I mean look at how Lili's mom stood up for you? Blaine you really don't have to put up with this no matter how heroic you're trying to be," he laughed and squeezed my shoulder. I wanted to agree but I had never told anyone about the bullying, people knew because they had seen and heard it, not because I had ever confessed to it. "And Sierra, please tell me you told her everything?"

"Urm…"

"BLAINE! What the hell is wrong with you! Jesus Christ you need to get over this, she loves you so much and all she wants to do is help and you're just pretending like none of it matters!" I didn't look up at him, my stomach had curled into a ball and I couldn't breathe, he was so right but I just couldn't bring myself to really believe him.

"She has enough to worry about, I mean her wedding is this winter and her practise is going so well, she doesn't have time to think about her stupid queer brother."

"Bullshit Blaine," he sighed trying to calm, "OK the Sadie Hawkins dance is soon right?" I nodded suspiciously, the dance had made everyone incapable of leaving me alone, constantly making crude remarks about if I would be asking someone and what colour my dress was. "Well go, I know what you're thinking but I know for a fact Tyler Crawford is gay and well maybe you should ask him?"

"Uh," my jaw stopped working and all I could do was stare at the older redheaded boy, was he seriously suggesting this? "Tyler Crawford the new guy? I haven't heard anything-"

"No Blaine listen to me that kid is _gay_ and he's sweet, I've known his family for ages," I knew my disbelief was all over my face, I took a deep drink of my chai tea and tried to think of something to say.

"I'll… Talk to him," James smiled broadly, "but that doesn't mean I'm going to a dance with him!" As nervous and sceptical as I sounded I was pretty excited, Tyler could be the break I was looking for.

* * *

><p>"Hey SiSi I'm in school right now?" I frowned into my phone as I perched on the bathroom windowsill, Sierra never called me during school hours.<p>

"I know but I just had to call you! Listen Blaine," she took a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."

"Wha-What! Sierra! Oh my God, you're sure? Oh my God," I didn't care how I sounded I was so excited, this was insane, I'm going to be an uncle!

"I know B, I just thought maybe you'd want some good news this week, I know the Sadie dance is this week…"

"Way to ruin it," I laughed falsely, "no I think I have a plan for it really. There's this guy called Tyler and he-" Someone walked into the bathroom and my heart dropped to the floor, _Tyler_, I fell silent and stared at him, he stared back obviously hearing the last part of my conversation.

"And he what?" Tyler raised his dark eyebrow in a half curious, half scared way.

"He's here…" I said to Sierra, she started to laugh loudly and I put the phone down without hanging up, "I'm sorry Tyler, I just-"

"It's fine I was hoping to talk to you at some point," he leaned against the sinks casually. He was short with long, shaggy black hair and a super skinny frame and although he wasn't conventionally good looking he had a certain confidence that made my knees go weak; thank God I was sitting down.

"Oh well yeah, same really."

"So you're gay too?" I nodded at his blunt question, "OK good I was starting to think there were rules against it here or something," he smiled playfully and I couldn't stop my own lips curling too.

"Well the way I'm treated there might as well be," I muttered, "have you told anyone you're gay?"

"Not yet, I mean I didn't really have to come out at my old school, people just _knew_ and I don't know… I've heard how they treat you and I'm really sorry," he stepped forward and sat next to me. "I was thinking maybe we should y'know," he reached over and ripped the Sadie Hawkins poster from the wall next to us, "go to this shindig and have some fun?"

"I was just going to ask you!" I blurted out before I could stop it, I couldn't believe that he had done this, "but sure, if you find being taunted fun."

"Oh well I get to be the girl this time and yes, it is fun, it's amazing knowing you really get under people's skin," he laughed darkly and I didn't know whether to laugh or frown so I just nodded. Suddenly I just felt utter dread in my stomach, just _telling_ people I was gay had caused everyone to flip their shit, now I was actually going to go to a dance with another guy.

"BLAINE HELLO!" I picked up the screaming phone when Tyler left with a shaky hand and prepared for some serious lecturing.

* * *

><p>I wasn't expecting another call from her a couple weeks later on the night of the dance talking to me about sex and protection and how to 'just say no' and when I asked if she was reading it out a leaflet I heard her laptop snap shut, my sister really was mental.<p>

-_My Dad said you could crash at my place if you want? – T_

_-Sure Lili's Mom is freaking out, she won't even let me stay over in case we 'get up to something' lol - B_

_-hahaha well you never know tonight ;) – T_

I swallowed, what did that mean? Gus squeezed my hand nervously as we walked into the decorated hall, he had been asked out by Sophie D, a tiny girl with waist long mousy hair and eyes the size of saucers. I think he was more nervous than me, actually truth be told I wasn't nervous I was just full of utter dread. As soon as we entered the whole room whispered and looked at us, Tyler looked really good in his smart casual clothes and his smile seemed to make the awkward tension melt away. We danced with everyone else all night and surprisingly no one said anything or even looked at me in the bathroom, by the time we got round to the last slow dance of the night I had enough confidence to take him up with me. It was weird how someone I had just met made me feel so safe, Sierra had warned me that these feelings were probably just born out of the need of someone who understood me but really I didn't care. When the dance started to wrap up I said my goodbyes to everyone and left hand in hand with Tyler, I couldn't feel more blissful if I tried, this is exactly what my pink sunglasses had been foreshadowing.

"Hey Blaine did you see someone?" Tyler glanced round as we stood in the dark parking lot, I frowned and started to say no when two figures jumped out of nowhere.

**Do we like Tyler or not? Hmmm... I can't wait to get Blaine off to Dalton but it's not quite that easy is it?**


	11. Hope And Vows

"Hello? Blaine can you hear me?" The unfamiliar voice and my lack of vision made me panic suddenly as I started to wake up but after a few seconds the blurry colours fit together to show me I had nothing to fear. Lili, Gus, Clarissa and my Mom were standing over my bed with the same expression of pure horror and concern; my eyes fixated on my Mom as I realised her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"Where am I?" My throat was raw and my head pounded, after I asked the question I realised it was stupid because I was obviously in a hospital room with a doctor eyeing my cautiously. "Why am I here?"

"Oh B you don't remember anything?" Lili grabbed my hand and I winced, it was bruised but not bandaged. I shook my head instead of talking and examined the rest of my body, everything ached especially my ribs and face but the only thing that was wrapped up was my right leg, which had a cast from the toes to mid thigh. "It was awful B, I thought you were dead," she whimpered suddenly and loudly; I was surprised by Clarissa comforting her softly.

"Dead? What happened did I get hit by a ca-" Then it flooded back into my brain, standing with Tyler outside the school and two figures suddenly jumping out at us. "Oh God is Ty alright?"

"Mr. Crawford is doing just fine," the doctor replied with a deep voice that made me jump slightly, "you on the other hand need to take things easy for a while. Nothing major, a few cracked ribs and some sternum bruising but your leg; shattered knee cap and multiple hairline fractures in the shinbone," I stared at him in disbelief. "You'll have a few months of gruelling therapy ahead of you but I hear you're quite the swimmer and we can make sure we have you in the water as much as possible," I know he was trying to comfort me but I didn't really want to hear it, I knew the answer to the question I was about to ask.

"What about track?"

"Yes, urm we'll see how things goes, never say never!" With that he nodded to my mother and left the room briskly, I realised he hadn't told me anything about Tyler.

"Please can someone tell me what happened? Is Tyler really OK? Who did this?"

"Ty is fine, he got off a bit lighter than you," Lili's voice was harsh and cold, like there was something that she wasn't telling me.

"Oh Lili he did hit back, he fractured his hand remember?" Gus said this nervously glancing at Lili, what is wrong with people? When did 'tell me what happened' mean 'tell him as little as possible'?

"Fuck that," my mother gasped but didn't scold the young girl, "look at B! He won't get to run or be on the soccer team this year! He probably won't get to swim for at least two semesters and we all know he was up for nationals! Even if he wasn't he has a _broken leg and cracked ribs_, while that twat just has a hand ache!" The blonde girl was angrier than I had ever seen her, her heavy breathing filled the room and no one dared to speak until my Mom stood up and left the room not looking at me again. I had a feeling she was only here to look like a good person while her son lay nearly dying, since I was going to be fine she had no need to be here and I was glad, I didn't want to see her anyway. I was angry at my parents, this had happened because they hated me, they hadn't protected me like they should of and now something had happened they didn't even give a shit. I wanted Sierra, I wonder if anyone had told her? Really she didn't need the stress especially at the moment, God I could imagine her absolutely losing her head if she knew what had happened to me.

* * *

><p>A few days later I was released to go home with my very awkward cast but I had a wheelchair even though all I could think of was the utter chaos people would create with it.<p>

"SiSi I'm FINE, it's just a broken leg…"

"BLAINE IT'S NOT A FUCKING BROKEN LEG, SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL YOU AND OUR PARENTS HAVE DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, THE SCHOOL HAS DONE NOTHING, WHY ARE YOU SO LAID BACK ABOUT THIS!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs, I had tried to calm her down but Dan had warned me from the background to just take it. "FUCK BLAINE! Seriously I'm getting you the _fuck_ out of that place, you're either moving schools or coming to live with me!"

My heart had jumped at that, living with Si and Dan in New York would have been my absolute dream, I could do anything I wanted to without fear but I couldn't intrude on them like that. Although Sierra couldn't get the time off work to be here physically she rung every night to check on me and less than a week later her relentless energy paid off.

I had changed four times so far; first a dark grey suit with a waistcoat and no jacket, then a casual turtle neck and skinny jeans, then my school uniform but finally with help from Sarah I had decided on a white shirt with rolled up sleeves, a thin black jumper and some very expensive jeans. Interviews, although I hadn't had many, didn't usually make me nervous but today everything was hanging on this, my future was hanging on the way I sold myself to these people.

Dalton Academy was about twenty minutes from my house; it was a very large Georgian house that had been transformed into a boarding school for boys in 1901. We drove through the huge gates and I started to get shaky, my parents had been completely silent throughout the ride, they couldn't decide how this would look to everyone else. When I hopped out the car with my crutches I noticed the huge fountain and the designed hedges, I wanted to laugh at the grandness of it all but as I soaked it all in it felt _right_, like this place deserve to have this air about it. We walked towards to front entrance stairs where a boy in his impeccable navy and red uniform stood smiling insanely, next to him was an equally neat woman who must have been late 40s with a flawless but obvious botox job.

"Ah Mr. and Mrs Anderson I'm _so _glad you could come, I'm Ms. Moore, deputy headmistress," they shook hands firmly. "And this is Gabriel Vanderas our head boy, he's here to show Blaine round," her eyes fell on me and I was sure she hadn't blinked in over two minutes. I shook hands with the senior boy, his green eyes glittered as though he had just been given charm shots and to be honest I wouldn't have put it past somewhere like this. Inside was beautiful; the floors were marble, the furniture was antique and there was the most exquisite sweeping staircase up to the dorms. Gabriel showed me round separately from my parents because my sister had been the one to arrange this meeting and she had no quams about explaining the situation at the moment, which was rather embarrassing and relieving at the same time. We ran into a few other students around campus, they all smiled in the same way but somehow it wasn't creepy it was comforting, they just seemed _happy_.

"I love it," I breathed out loud and Gabe laughed next to me.

"It's pretty spectacular but it is school remember Blaine, it's tough here because in the end it's grades above anything else, including heritage," he directed the last part at me with a strong look. Sometimes being an Anderson really fucking sucked.

"I know and I'm looking forward to it, this" I motioned at my leg, "is getting old, I just want to do my studies without anyone… Bothering me."

"Well Dalton has a very strict no bullying policy and when I say strict I mean it, you won't have to worry about it here." He paused for the first time in our long tour before glancing up, "if you don't mind me asking, what happened?"

"Uh, just…" I swallowed nervously, for the first time in a very long time I didn't want to tell him I was gay, I didn't want him to know, everything bad that had happened to me was because I had said those words but I knew that lying would be worse than anything else. "I was attacked because… I'm gay," I found myself staring at my shoes unable to look at Gabriel in the eyes.

"Assholes," he hissed before collecting himself and putting a hand on my should, "I think you'd be gladly welcomed to Dalton Blaine, just one tiny thing first,"

"The interview."

* * *

><p>Christmas that year was one of the best, my letter of acceptance from Dalton had come a few days before Sierra's wedding and my parents were finally on board after Dad casually mentioned it and the school had gotten the highest praises from all the highest people. I decided not to tell my friends about Dalton just yet, since my leg was broken no one had even dared to give me a funny look in fear of being dragged away by police who had been called in (much to my surprise). It seemed like things were getting better but it all felt so hard, every smile was hard, every word I shared with the people at my school was hard because I knew they didn't care for me just for themselves. I left all these thoughts behind as I dressed in my light grey suit and icy blue tie to fit Sierra's winter wonderland wedding. My doctor had let me swap out my fixed cast to more flexible and subtle one so I could finally wear trousers normally and walk with less fear of toppling over at the slightest uneven ground.<p>

Sierra's dress was tinted with the slightest blue hue and her slight bump wasn't accentuated or hidden by the layered silk, I was standing on her side of the altar with the bride's maids but that was where I belonged; by her side. When I saw her I cried and when they said their vows I cried and when they kissed I cried but I was so happy, in that moment I was so happy and nothing else mattered at all. The feeling lasted through the rest of the holidays, I happily remained in New York for New Years and spent the night with Chinese food on the sofa with the new happy couple. At midnight among the happy new year texts was one from Luke, the first time we'd talked this year:

_-Did you ever imagine you'd be here in this moment last year? – L_

My heart fluttered slightly at the memory of his lips but I didn't reply I didn't let myself feel anything for him because there was nothing to feel, he had made a complete mess of my life and I was too happy to think about it as much as it required thinking about. I curled into Sierra, a hand on her stomach and just let everything wash out of my head because I knew all too soon I would have to go back and face everything all over again.

**This is longer than I ever thought it would be!**


	12. Jealousy

Dalton Academy…" Lili whispered harshly, "it sounds, nice, yeah it sounds lovely Blaine," I stared at her hard waiting for her to start being herself. "What! It does sound nice Blaine, I'm not an idiot I know that you're not happy here, you'll never be happy here and I'm glad you're finally trying to save yourself."

"I'm not saving myself I'm running away,"I muttered.

"Sounds like survival instinct to me."

"Of a coward yeah maybe," I growled sarcastically, I felt like a failure giving up on N.A.H. I was born to go to that school and it had chewed me up and spat me out and I had just taken it.

"B we understand, we do, even Gus understands you can't stay," we both winced; Gus had been silent on me all week since I had told them on the first day of spring break. "We'll still see you and you'll be happy, I mean how long has it been since we've seen you _really_ happy Blaine? I just want you to be safe, to never have to see you in another hospital bed or with another bruise or pretending that you're not crying and I know Dalton will…" She trailed off as tears ran down her face, she was trying to breathe normally but she just couldn't and it set me off, soon enough we were both bawling on the floor but whether it was out of happiness or sadness I wasn't quite sure.

* * *

><p>If I had felt like a coward in March then by the time my last semester ended I felt worse than I had ever felt before, it turns out things <em>could <em>get worse and so they did, sort of like a goodbye present from New Albany High. I was walking Tucker over the park when someone came up behind me.

"Oh Luke you scared me," the blonde boy smiled sheepishly but didn't speak; we fell into a silent stride for a few minutes before I started to get nervous again.

"We haven't spoken in so long… I just thought maybe we'd have one last chat before you set off for new horizons," he was speaking in a curious manner but I decided that he was just nervous. "I heard Dalton is really hard to get into but of course you're brilliant, you know absolutely brilliant," I blushed under his gaze but before I could deflect the comment he carried on. "I've always been in awe of you, how you have perfect grades, how you are a perfect athlete, how you knew and embraced your sexuality… It's like you're superman or something."

"Luke I'm rather confused…" My heart jumped wildly, this was too much déjà vu for me, I wanted to run from Luke as fast as I could but my knee was still in a brace and I didn't want to test it out just yet.

"As always I'm not quite as _eloquent _with words as you B, I've always been more physical-" the last word was said almost in my mouth as I found him kissing me, I kissed back without thinking. I hadn't noticed that we were now hidden in the dense woods that skirted the area and even if I had I wouldn't of thought of it in the way I should have. His hands ran all over my body, his kisses slipped down my neck and I couldn't stop myself from moaning; it all just felt so damn good in the moment. "You know Blaine I was a fool to run away from this," he hissed in my ear and all I could do was nod, my vocal chords had given up as his fingers traced my muscles. "We could have been doing this," his fingertips brushed my nipple slightly and I whimpered helplessly, "all the time; I know you need this Blaine, swim meets can't be easy for you can they?" His voice was teasing and soft but if I hadn't been so aroused I would have noticed the sharp tones and the smirk that he was wearing as his kissed me but my brain had given in to letting me be a purely sensory being.

"I heard you were going to go back with that Tyler kid after the dance B, I never pegged you for one to put out on the first date," if he hadn't been sucking that spot on the base of my neck that made me see white then I would have seen the direction this was going in. "I'm glad he didn't get you, now I do," that made me rush back to reality with a jolt.

"What did you just say?" My voice quavered slightly but I ignored it with ease, this wasn't the time to be afraid.

"Oh come on Blaine like you don't want it, we can all see it, you're just begging to be _fucked,_" he growled dangerously and I suddenly felt trapped like the two inch height difference was suddenly twenty feet. "I don't want those Dalton boys getting their hands on you, you deserve to be broken in or well just _broken_," he laughed and I tried to get past him but he pinned me to a tree heavily.

"Luke, get the fuck off of me!" I struggled against him but he just smiled and kissed my neck again, my body stilled involuntarily and I realised he had me exactly where he wanted me. "Luke," I whispered, "please, what are you doing?"

"You, that's what Blaine. I just can't control myself when it comes to you, you know that BB, you drive me crazy and I _love _it," he nipped my neck sharply, "just relax…" His hand trickled down my body and cupped me; I cursed the half-hardness that had remained from my earlier arousal and willed my body to go against its every instinct to react to his touch. I couldn't look him in the eye, I just needed a plan to get myself out of here but I couldn't think of anything even if I called Tucker what good was he? I took a few shaky breaths as Luke drunk me in with his mad eyes and racing hands, I knew that I could get away from him but…

I leapt forward and kissed him deeply, he stumbled backwards in surprised and his hands fell away from my body and then I ran for it. I ran as hard as I could back down the path with Tucker close at my heels barking in his playful manner but suddenly my injured knee twinged and gave way, I tumbled down the slope and just couldn't get up fast enough.

"Blaine, Blaine, Blaine I'm not here to play, this is going to happen you do realise that?"

"Oh fuck off Luke, when did you become such a fucking pervert anyway?"

"I'm hurt B, I'm not a pervert that's you," his eyes locked in with mine as he spoke, "that's what mommy and daddy Anderson think right? Blaine is dirty and sick and mental disturbed. Do you think anyone will believe you?" He stepped in and leaned over me, "if you tell anyone what happened do you think they'd take your word? The filthy fag who kissed little drunk me is telling tales again me thinks," I had never seen venom like this before, where the hell was it coming from? He pulled me into the woods and Tucker started to follow until Luke pulled out a treat ball which was then lobbed down the hill back towards the parking lot and then we were alone.

"Please just tell me why you're doing this! Where has all this come from?" I was nearly crying but I needed to stay as strong as possible.

"Urgh you just don't get it do you? What happened to you was _nothing_ Blaine, kids get **killed** for being gay, all you got was a dodgy leg and a place at the best school in the state. You're Blaine Anderson and even though you might not felt like it this past year everything that hasn't happened is because of that, because no matter how homophobic some of the kids at that school are they couldn't be _blaine-phobic_. They couldn't hate you, they couldn't abuse you like they normally would because you were so wonderfully perfect and it's like kicking a puppy, you act all brave and assured but those damn eyes give everything away." He paused for a second and looked at me, his expression softened for just a few seconds as he looked into my eyes, suddenly my best friend was standing in front of me again and he must have realised it because he punched me. "Just shut up, shut up! This is going to happen because Blaine I don't get to be me, I have to be exactly what is planned for me and well that's just not fair so consider this your penance for getting to run away." There it was that phrase, once Luke said it, it never left my head – I was a coward, I was running away, I wasn't dealing with it I was pretending it didn't exist, I was spineless, useless, worthless…

What happened next will always be imprinted into my brain in the same part that remembered my name, my birthday and my family; no matter how hard I tried I couldn't forget it, ever. His hands were gentle at first, caressing and exploring, a couple times I had let out a soft groan or whimper when he did something right but I was far from turned on. I tried to shut my brain out of my body as he held me tightly, I had tried to fight I promise but I just couldn't- I was a mess of fear, confusion and depression. As the last traces of pleasure and his fingers were replaced by a too tight grip on my hips and the absolute certainty my body was going to rip in half I stopped feeling. I tried to remember desperately how I was feeling, not _what_ because that was simple: pain. No, my emotions had completely disappeared, I wasn't afraid or angry or sad or… anything. I thought about pushing him away during when his guard was let down but by then it was too late, I was getting exactly what I deserved and for once I was going to take it like a man. I felt a warmth inside me and his body stilled above mine, I had my eyes clamped shut just trying to keep myself breathing through the pain. He pulled out and I let out a cry and opened my eyes slowly, he was standing over me doing up his trousers, I looked at him straight in the eye and he started to cry.

"Blaine… I love you," he bent down and kissed me on the lips, this time slowly and intensely, I couldn't kiss back though, not that I wanted to but I was suddenly aware of how weak I felt. My body was exhausted, I was too tired to do or feel anything right then, the pain coursing through me was all I needed. I heard him walk away softly and then I waited for tears that didn't come as images play back, over and over and over again. By the time I had dressed and made my way (very, very slowly) down the park I found Tucker lying by the gate, his brown eyes surveying me deeply and I had a missed call from Louisa, who was supposed to take me shopping to go to New York in a couple days, about an hour ago. Then I knew exactly what I had do, exactly what I should have done over a year ago before Luke had gotten a chance to ruin my life.

**Dark I know but my interpretation of when Blaine told Kurt that he "ran away from his problems" a bit differently, I don't think Blaine ran away from just the everyday things, it was something else, something bigger, darker and scarier.**


	13. Goodnight, Goodbye

The moment escaped me for over a month; it was nearing mid August when things had finally slowed down enough for me to be able to make my plans. I had spent most of my holidays away in New York with Sierra's family; her daughter Mikaela Charlotte was the most beautiful child I had ever seen, she had her father's green eyes, her mother's dark hair and infectious smile. Being with them made everything so much easier and harder, I hadn't told Sierra what had happened in the park, I hadn't told anyone and it was going to stay that way forever. Frequent nightmares had begun about a week later but I still hadn't cried so I took to my blade more often, just wishing I could cut it out of me but at the same time making myself remember I deserved to feel this pain, I deserved to be terrorised. Sierra had tried to get me to make friends but I had avoided it knowing that if I had anyone to relate to everything would come tumbling out before I couldn't even try and stop it. I preoccupied myself reading and buying a ukulele, which Mikaela loved listening to, until Clarissa flew in for a five day shopping spree before she headed on to Europe for the rest of the summer. She introduced me to Jeremy Pax who attended Juilliard and was very British and very gay, he talked non-stop every time I saw him and that became quite often since he was such a good distraction from my own thoughts.

_"There's a kid from Dalton at Juilliard with me, beautiful voice… and arse."_

_"You know it's just impossible to find a good jean fit these days!"_

_"Urgh you simply _must _come to England one day, you'd be ravished by every one of my friends!"_

_"I really can't stand sports, I mean there's only one activity in my mind that requires getting all hot and bothered over."_

When it came to flying home I found myself actually quite upset about leaving Jeremy behind, he had become a good friend even if he wasn't the brightest bulb he was awfully sweet and confident. We had had some real adventures exploring the city late at night, he knew all the best art galleries and small clubs that happily let us in to listen to the music if we didn't drink any alcohol and I had found my love for performing sparked up again. Jeremy had caused a peak in my life and like Kurt Cobain had said "_it's better to crash and burn then to fade out_."

I had just over two weeks before I was supposed to start at Dalton and I was excited or I would have been if I ever planned to start, it wasn't that I didn't want to go there it was that I didn't want to go _anywhere_. One night I took a stroll with Tucker, I couldn't leave him behind when I knew what was about to happen, we went to the park but instead of taking our usual rural route I headed towards the rec. During the day the recreational park was brimming with upper class families and their tiny toddlers but after dark the teenagers came out to play with their stolen alcohol and illegal pills; I smelt the scent of weed before I even saw anyone and my heart started to beat very fast. I shut Tucker outside the tarmac area and headed towards the group of kids, I tried to stay steady but as soon as they saw me coming towards them I just wanted to turn around and run – Tucker's whining from behind the metal bars physically hurt me, it was like he knew what I was going to do.

"Well, well who do we have here? Mr. Anderson what brings you to our little playground?" The boy was sitting on the large seesaw like contraption with a thick blunt in one hand and a lazy smile, he was called Mark and he was kicked out of N.A.H. about two years ago for dealing on site.

"I," I cleared my throat as I realised it just wasn't doing its job tonight, "I want to buy some pills," it felt so stupid as I was saying it. The girl lounging next to Mark snorted loudly and everyone else eyed my curiously, they obviously knew who I was and had heard despite my involvement in the elite, didn't do things like this.

"Oh really?" I couldn't tell if Mark was mocking me or not, "well sit down and lets have a talk. Kay move your ass out the way for the nice gay," he pushed the girl onto the floor and she landed heavily, as I sat down I noticed she still hadn't moved. "She'll be fine, just doesn't know her limits" Mark said coolly without looking at her, he took another tote before turning back to me. "Why do you want pills? I heard you're not 'into' this kind of stuff?"

"I'm not, not usually, but this is different…" I trailed off under his gaze, he didn't scare me but there was something about him that made me feel… weird.

"Different? How so? You've made it two years of New Albany abuse without coming to me once, I thought you were tougher than this Blaine," he cooed my name and everyone else laughed; my face heated up and my stomach tightened further.

"I'm not strong at all, that's why I'm here," I was nearly whispering now but spoke up louder, "I want something that will kill me." Everyone stilled around me, even the girl – Kay – sat up when I said this; Mark stared at me with his broken eyes and I decided I would not let him judge me.

"Everyone go," he said but no one moved, "go the fuck away!" He shouted and everyone stood up and walked out the park stroking Tucker as they went but no one let him in, thank God, I don't think I could stay composed with him near. "Blaine why are you doing this?"

"Because this is how it has to be."

"No it doesn't, I don't understand aren't you going to Dalton this semester?" Mark's voice was soft and comforting, I hadn't expected this reaction and it was pissing me off, I didn't want to explain myself.

"Yeah but that doesn't mean anything, I'll still be me, I'll still be a fag no matter where I go-"

"Blaine I thought you were OK with this? I heard-"

"Fuck what you heard," I growled angrily, why did people think they knew me? "My parents hate me, my friends have gone through hell for me, I'll never be anything worth while and yeah I did think I was OK with it but," I sighed, "but in the end there is no place for me." Mark sat silently next to me, he wanted to say something I could feel it but he didn't, he just pulled up a large rucksack and started to go through it.

"Fine," I stared at him in shock, "I know how it feels, I know exactly why you're doing this because I did it too. You know what, I needed to do it because I felt like I was going nowhere and when I didn't die I realised that was all bullshit, I realised that I was the only one that mattered when it came to my life. I needed to die to be born again," he said this while looking me in the eye before handing over an orange prescription bottle. "These will probably do the job, I mean they _will_ do the job but it might not be nice, mostly you'll be unconscious but some people… Blaine are you really sure you want to do this? Once you take these-"

"Yes," I snatched the bottle from him, "yes I've thought about this all summer and I have to do this…" The bottle label read _Amitriptyline hydrochloride_ - _tricyclic antidepressants – 100mg _and there were a bunch of warnings but I didn't even skim them, "so all of these…?"

"Will kill you but it won't be pleasant, it will take about an hour or so to kick in then your mouth will go dry, your heart will start to race and you'll probably hallucinate-"

"I don't want to know as long as I won't wake up tomorrow then I don't care," but the fact was I was so utterly terrified, I didn't want it to hurt anymore and it was darkly ironic that these would make me suffer to stop my suffering. We parted ways before I realised I hadn't paid anything but he didn't stop me so I collected Tuck and started to walk home, it was the strangest feeling knowing that you'd seen your last day.

Tucker nuzzled at me the whole way home, I couldn't get him to shut up even when we arrived home so I closed him away in the utility room and tried not to think that was the last time I would see him. I felt unbelievably numb as I shut myself away in my bathroom, it was like I couldn't feel anymore just like… No, I wouldn't think of it, I was here in the present and that was my past and soon it wouldn't exist anymore.

I didn't cut again mainly because my hands were shaking but also because I didn't feel the need, the urge to hurt myself had faded when the pills had been placed in my pocket. I poured the orange disks onto the counter top, _do not exceed 300mg per day_, there were 100 pills, which meant there was 10,000mg sitting there. Ten thousand.

"Who the fuck sells this shit," I murmured out loud, these things were for clinically depressed people and they sold 30 times the maximum dose in one bottle. I poured a glass of water since dry swallowing always made me gag and cupping as many pills as I could I downed them both. They stuck in my throat because of the sheer bulk so I drunk another two glasses but didn't take the rest, and then I sat on the ground and waited. About an hour and a half later I awoke suddenly and I needed another drink but when I tried to stand I fell again with an overwhelming dizziness. The room spun around me and my heart was racing, everything Mark had said but what he hadn't said was how scared I was, I felt so trapped and helpless. I curled up on the ground and tried to think away my nausea and as my body started to twitch I faded to darkness…

**So we all think it ends well for Blaine but does it? Review? Maybe?**


	14. Misguided Ghosts

Being aware of my body was a sensation that shocked me; I felt my chest rise and fall, heart pumping steadily and my fingers twitch with the realisation that I was conscious. The silence around me was different from anything I had ever felt, it was like I wasn't in this body but simply using it and I hadn't tuned it properly or something. This feeling stayed with me when I tried to open my eyes, my lids felt heavy and when they did open I couldn't see more than blurry whites, blues and greys surrounding me so I shut them again tightly. I wondered where I was, the lack of pain and sense of surrounding gave me the impression that I wasn't _anywhere_ I was just there… And then I wasn't.

When I awoke again everything was different, every fibre of my body felt like it weighed a tonne each and I struggled to move or breathe or escape; the feeling that this body wasn't mine stayed but now I was trapped inside it. My eyes wouldn't open and I couldn't hear, my throat started to constrict when I tried to speak and my whole body tensed up in painful spasms but my brain still didn't understand what was happening. I felt things restraining my arms and chest but I didn't know what they were and then as suddenly as the fight had taken over me it was gone and my body fell back to its terrifying but now peaceful prison. I felt myself slip back into the darkness but there was also now a soft hum like the sounds of voices through a door and I tried to remain alert but I just couldn't.

The third time I became conscious I decided to test out my senses before trying to move, the same low murmuring was detected and shadow shapes moved across my closed lids telling me I would see if I opened them. I contracted my hand muscles and my fingertips felt softness below them, like the sheets you get in very expensive hotels. All these things made my breathing even out and the fear that was drowning my ability to think started to lift; my mind started to register the sounds as words but not quite what words and the light strength probably meant it was daytime or I was under strong lighting. I lay still and tried to become of aware myself before even attempting to find out what was on the other side of my eyelids. There was a strange pulsating through my body, like it should hurt but it didn't and all my muscles felt tired and tight like I had been sitting down for too long but as far as I could see everything was working, or at least had feeling.

Very, very slowly I opened my eyes and when the bright light had become bearable I saw I was in a very bright room, it had white walls and a large open window with translucent curtains that were slightly swaying in the breeze. There was no one else in the room with me but the noise was coming through the door, which had been propped open and I could see down a bright corridor to people bustling about. I tried to sit up and my abdomen screamed in protest, the pain set something off in my brain and images came flooding back, everything from the park with Luke to lying on the bathroom floor after swallowing the pills – It hadn't worked. I went numb, how could this have happened? I took so many of those damned things how was I even able to function right now? I became angry in what seemed like a millisecond, my whole body shook with rage and confusion, how the fuck was I still alive? I went to stand again and this time ignored the absolute agony until I found that my legs couldn't handle standing and I collapsed on the floor. Shame rushed through me like a wave and I just wanted to be dead, everything hurt, nothing was OK and I felt emptier than I had ever thought I could.

I don't know how long I was there but I didn't try to stand up or even move at all until I heard footsteps and someone shouting before hands grabbed me under the arms and hauled me back into the soft bed. I became aware of the fact I was in my PJs but I didn't really care how or why, I was just glad whoever was in here with me wasn't seeing me naked.

"Blaine can you hear me? Blaine honey how did you get on the floor?" The woman's voice was nasal and grating on my ears, "maybe he just turned over in his sleep?"

"What past the rails?" A sarcastic male voice quipped back at her, "Check his pupils." As he said this someone pulled open my eyes and a light was shined into them, I wanted to scream as the invasion but my voice just wasn't working, I wondered if it was permanently broken.

"He seems conscious or at least reactive? Blaine," she shook me slightly, "Blaine I need you to respond if you can hear me." My hand moved out and found her forearm (I think), contact with her skin made me realise just how cold I was, how long had I been on the floor?

"Could we have Dr. Michaels in here please?" I heard the man speak again but I wasn't sure who to, the woman at my side had taken a hold on my hand and at first I wanted to hit her but my brain started to realise that I was in desperate need of human contact. I opened my eyes again just to check I wasn't imagining things and when I saw her I screamed.

Yes I screamed.

She jumped away from me in horror as the sound left my mouth but I couldn't make it stop, against my better judgement (which I knew I didn't have any of at the moment,) I blamed her for everything. I felt like she was the reason I was still alive and still in pain and I just wanted to hurt her but I couldn't move my body so I screamed wordlessly until my contracting throat cut off the sound.

"Well Mr. Anderson I see that you've perked up a bit," the doctor joked pathetically, I glared at him in disbelief and just wished I could have ripped his head off. "I know this is a bit of a shock and you're probably wondering where you are and what happened-"

"I know," my voice didn't sound like my voice but right now I was just glad I could talk at all and by the look on the doctor's face he was just as surprised. "I know exactly what happened, what I don't understand is why I'm not fucking _dead_," I didn't know where this was coming from; I was being so rude and I didn't even care.

"Mr. Anderson,"

"That's my father, _not me,_" I hissed viciously.

"Sorry, Blaine, well you're not dead because you are very lucky and I mean lucky, you know the amount of pills you swallowed your body was already shutting down two hours after consumption." I remembered looking at my watch and an hour and a half having passed, I remembered how dizzy and weak I felt and how my heart was racing like if it slowed down it would stop. "You were found by your housekeeper, thankfully she got you here in record time and we were able to pump your stomach," I wanted him to shut up, why was he telling me this?

"Why are you telling me this?" I voiced my thoughts without much consideration.

"Well don't you want to know?" He looked at me with his hazel eyes, they were greener than mine and had a look of disconnection, like I was an experiment and this was all one big, fascinating study. I was overcome by an utter feeling of embarrassment, these strangers had seen me when I was my weakest and now they were examining me.

"Yes I want to know all about the fact that I'm a complete failure, that I couldn't even kill myself without cocking it up," my voice was thick with sarcasm and venom and contempt but it was also laced with embarrassment and shame.

"Blaine you're not a failure, this is not something to be embarrassed about-"

"What the fuck do you know? Are you sitting in a bed being talked at by three complete strangers who have just witnessed you attempt and fail to take your own life because you are too weak to handle _life?_" I was shaking, I had never voiced this before, sure I told Mark I was going to kill myself and I had said before that I felt weak to Sierra but never had I been this brutally honest.

"Blaine," the woman said from beside me, she had cropped black hair and a nose piercing that was too big for her features, "we know that this is a difficult time but-"

"Shut up." I stared at her hurt face but I didn't soften or apologize, she had no idea how angry I was and she was being a complete idiot. When they realised I wasn't the kind of person that needed comforting she left the room with the other guy and let the doctor explain what was going to happen next.

I had been found about three hours later by Louisa, I was unconscious but having seizures and barely breathing, she and my parents had then taken me to the emergency room instead of waiting for an ambulance, which was probably what saved my life. My stomach had been pumped and they found the remainders of around 20 pills but estimated another 10 or so had already dissolved, with a dose that high it was amazing I was doing OK. I couldn't help but remembering the moment I had decided not to take all 100 and regretting it more than anything. I had been in a coma for five days and a ventilator for three; waking up briefly yesterday and the day before, I guessed those were the times I could remember since he said the second time I had started to convulse so they sedated me. I was in Oak View Psychiatric hospital in Westerville and my doctor was Ryan Michaels, he was about 40, very dark skinned and very cynical but for some reason I had a feeling he wasn't someone to fight.

* * *

><p>I started to calm down after a few hours of being awake, I had been given painkillers for the agony in my chest and abdomen; which was apparently the after effect of the toxic in my heart and the massive seizures I had had during my first couple days. The two nurses were Jackie and Ashley and they checked on me every fifteen minutes; Jackie wasn't as annoying as my initial bad mood had told me she was but she was still overly sympathetic despite it being obvious the most depressed she'd ever been was probably watching Bambi. Ashley wasn't as harsh as I thought he was at first but that was probably just put on to balance out the cushiness of Jackie and he had smiled sweetly every time he came in. I noticed lattice caramel scars on his mixed-race skin and guessed he was probably an old patient that had come back to show that surviving wasn't something to mourn.<p>

I knew the fact I was alive was something to celebrate but I couldn't feel it, truth be told after my spectacular mood swings earlier I couldn't really feel anything more than hunger and I was quite glad. When dinner was served I realised just how hungry I was, I hadn't eaten anything in nearly a week after all! The spaghetti and meatballs with chocolate mousse was just what I needed to perk me up even further so I finally had the strength to ask about my parents.

"We haven't contacted them just yet," Ashley told me softly, "we always like to give patients a day or two to collect themselves before letting family members see them." I knew he was thinking the same as me that was only for patients whose families weren't there when they woke up so obviously their relationship wasn't great. It kind of hurt that no one was there for me but knowing my parents they had probably sworn Louisa to secrecy and none of my friends would have known I was here, Sierra probably didn't even know I was here.

Two days later when I had begun to get restless walking around the bright gardens Dr. Michaels decided that he would ask my parents to come in so we could get my treatment and therapy started. I was already on some pills but they were more for the pain and they kept me sedated enough not to really notice how I was feeling. Dr. M explained that after the first couple hours of waking up until about four days later I would feel too emotionally drained to really notice anything I was feeling. There was little to no chance of me relapsing and it was nice to be depression-free even if it was just for a little bit, every second felt more amazing than I remember it ever feeling. Then again could I actually remember not being depressed? The other patients at the hospital scared me slightly but I smiled and tried my best to be polite when they acknowledged me, I mean they couldn't really be blamed for their situations right now. I wondered if I was like them, if to every other 'normal' person I seemed crazy and disturbed right now and that made me nervous to see my parents.

When they arrived my mother had hugged me tightly and made a show of declaring her worry for me and how she couldn't believe something like this happened, the staff smiled politely but they knew as well I as did that she didn't mean it. Though I did catch her wiping a few tears away when she thought no one was looking, maybe my mother really did have a heart after all. My Dad was just as bad as I expected, he didn't look at me and winced every time my doctor said my name, like it physically hurt him.

"Blaine should really stay here for the last two weeks of his summer break, I would also hesitate to get him into his new school so soon after-"

"No, no, he will be starting on the 1st like everyone else," my father simply stated with lots of emphasis.

"Mr. Anderson, with respect your son is not in a fit state at the moment, mentally or physically," Dr. Michaels kept glancing at me nervously; he knew if my Dad decided to make me leave there wasn't much he could do.

"He looks fine," John said again without looking me, "I don't want him here, this was just… A mistake, I don't know he'll be fine - he'll be boarding," everyone knew he had said the last sentence instead of saying 'he'll be fine, he won't be my problem.'

"I highly doubt his school will take him back in such a state,"

"They will if they don't know about it." My father growled menacingly and Dr. Michaels could only gape and stare but before he could reply John Anderson walked out the room and we all knew he wouldn't be coming back. My mother stepped up and finally did her job and managed to convince my Dad to let me stay for the remaining two weeks of summer because there would be a decreased chance of another 'incident' happening at Dalton. Which was true. I was started on antidepressants which I had laughed at and asked if they were really giving me them, it was such a joke that the things that nearly killed me were actually going to save me.

_"I can't find the words to tell you,_

_I don't want to be alone, _

_But now I feel like I don't know you._

_One day you'll get sick of pretending everything's alright,_

_And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending,_

_Just like I am tonight."_

I found myself singing about 7 days into my stay, I hadn't sung for a few months after I was forced to quit anything related to the arts by my father and abusive peers. This song was a favourite of Sierra and at the moment I was missing her badly, I wasn't allowed my phone or the internet during my stay and I was getting lonely. I saw my therapist everyday for two hours, sometimes we went outside, sometimes we had our talk over a meal and sometimes I was shut in her office like you see in the movies.

I recently watched _Veronika Decides To Die_ at the recommendation of another boy on the ward; he was a schizophrenic with bad anxiety but on his good days I found we got on well and he kept my loneliness from become a big issue. The movie was strange and gave me chills but at the same time I found myself mesmerised by Veronika and the pain and the desperation and the love that she found in the end.

I also found myself opening up to my therapist Paloma (I know right?) more than I expected but it had been so long since I had talked about any of my feelings I guess it couldn't be stop. I told her everything that had happened since New Years in grade 7, but leaving out what happened with Luke in the park, my brain wouldn't let me speak of it and I was OK with that. By the time I was getting ready to leave on the 30th I had talked more about myself than ever in my life, everything was put out there and I had found a part of me I thought was lost forever when Luke…

"No Blaine that never happened," I growled and played some music, "_I've been living like I'm not alive, so tonight I'm gonna start over…"_ I started to sing loudly as I packed away my clothing and didn't notice Charlie, the boy from down the ward, come into my room.

"Blaine?"

"Holy shit Charlie! You scared me," I laughed but his face was scrunched into a worried frown and I started to get nervous, no matter how nice he was I couldn't forget that he wasn't quite… stable.

"Are you leaving?" He asked sadly and I nodded, "so you think you're all better?"

"No, I know I'm not better but I'm getting there; we both are," I put a hand on his shoulder and smiled my famous smile, it felt good knowing I could still do it.

"I'll miss you, you were the only person who even tried to know me…"

"I'll miss you too but I promise I'll come visit and hopefully you'll be out of here soon and you can come visit me too!" I couldn't believe how optimistic I was sounding but Charlie was going to take this hard and I couldn't stand the look on his face when he was upset. We didn't hug because he hated physical contact, the fact he would let me touch him at all was a big step for him and as I left with Henry that evening things felt strangely unfinished without a closure goodbye but that couldn't be helped. I thanked all my doctors and nurses profusely but I didn't cry like I expected myself to do, in fact I hadn't cry all summer and I was starting to wonder as we drove away if I was making a mistake leaving so soon.

**Gosh this is long, it doesn't really feel it though. Dalton's coming up next and that should be a lot lighter than this!**

**All the lyrics are Paramore, the first song is Let This Go and the second is Miracle; I'll probably use more of their lyrics because they fit so beautifully!**


	15. Uniform Change

14-year-old me stood in front of the full-length mirror with my brand new uniform on ready to go Dalton Academy for Boys; I smiled as I noticed that I couldn't quite get my tie right and called down the stairs.

"Mom I can't do this!" I skipped down the stairs and landed heavily at the bottom next to a Louisa was smiling broadly at my game.

"Oh Blaine you're getting so big, soon you won't need me to do this anymore."

"Really? Because these things are just so darn tricky!" I furrowed my face playfully, as I had aged the lines had deepened and I now resembled my father far more than ever but tried to ignored this fact as she neatly lay the navy and red tie on my chest.

"Pancakes Blaine?" Louisa smiled, her long curly blonde hair was loose for once and fell softly around her face, I just wanted to hug her tightly but I didn't want to cry so early in the morning.

Unlike the first time round my mother didn't answer for me, she didn't come into the kitchen and boss Louisa round and my little game fell through, I tried not to be disappointed since my parents never noticed enough to even try and play along but it did hurt. The day I had spent at home was the strangest of my life; I had packed my things with Sarah and Louisa in silence, none of knew what we should say or if there really was anything to say. Later that night I saw Louisa sitting at the piano crying and I wondered how often she had done that while I was gone, if perhaps she had really cared that I tried to kill myself - That she had cared more than my parents. She served me pancakes with lemon and sugar and Tucker came and lay his head in my lap, I was sad to leave him behind but Sarah had promised me should would take him walking everyday so he didn't get lonely. Some people would find it strange that I was so close to people who took care of my _house _but in reality they took care of me; of getting home from soccer practice, taking me to music lessons, making sure I had my tie on properly and breakfast in my stomach. Things I suppose parents were supposed to do but really I'm glad mine didn't, it would mean having to spend a lot more time with them.

I was harsh on my parents when really my Mom and Dad did love me, maybe my Dad didn't love me on the outside but I know every time someone mentions my piano recitals or my swimming records he would smile proudly without being able to stop it. My abuela told my about my uncle once and let it slip I reminded my Mom of Miguel, whom she still prayed for everyday, and I learnt to accept her silent love because it was all she knew how to do. Sierra had and still was a nightmare with our parents; she had fought, kicked and screamed her way down the path. When we talked yesterday little was said, she had been informed of what had happened (probably from Louisa) but she didn't quite believe it.

_"Blaine, I love you," she whispered not knowing what else to say._

_"And I love you…"_

_"But then how could you want to leave me?"_

_"Fear makes us do crazy things SiSi," I said back just wishing that she wasn't so supportive. I was a coward; I didn't deserve her or any of the love she had to give me._

* * *

><p>It was a warm and peaceful when I arrived at Dalton; everyone came back the day before term started to get their things arranged, also the new boys would have time to get familiar with the people and places of the huge school. The freshmen and sophomores shared a common room and so did the juniors and seniors; these were large rooms with sofas, a TV, DVD player and anything else students brought in. By the time I had arrived there was already an Xbox, Playstation 3, Wii, iPod dock and a foozball table (which apparently was brought in by the Wright brothers every year since the eldest Sam first attended 12 years ago). I walked up the staircase I had been in such awe of the first time I looked round to find my bedroom on the Marion wing, number 17, which I would share with three complete strangers for a whole semester.<p>

On the dark wood doors where printed sheets with the name plans and I scanned nervously, smiling and greeting people as I walked down the busy corridor filled with boys who looked so confident.

**17**

**Anderson, Blaine**

**Jameson, James**

**Montgomery, Wesley**

**Thompson, David**

"Oh for fucks sake," I heard someone behind me curse violently and turned to see them also staring at the piece of paper, "why don't they just put me in a locker now and have it done with?" I smiled as the boy ranted to a tall man next to him who seemed to be a spitting image 30 years senior, he caught sight of my smile and blushed furiously which highlighted the red tones in his blonde hair.

"I'm JJ," he stuck out his hand and I shook it firmly.

"Blaine, don't be too embarrassed about your name, apparently mine means 'yellow," I laughed and flashed the Anderson smile without even having to think about it which made me oddly proud, a feeling I hadn't had for a while. Louisa and JJ's dad followed us in and since we were the first out of the four we got first pick of our beds, I chose the one next to the window on the left side and JJ chose the one next to the door on the right side. We chatted as we unpacked and I found out that he was from Michigan but his father had attended Dalton and claimed there was no other school he would trust with his son. Turns out he was James Jameson Sr. it was like a cruel tradition that had carried on for about five generations now, he was a stockbroker and divorced (something he mentioned more to Louisa than to me.)

Next to arrive was Wesley but of course he insisted on Wes, he was extremely skinny Asian boy with the same saucer eyes that Sophie D. had but apparently there was no connection, maybe it was just small people in general? The fifty-odd-year-old man that brought his belongings wore white gloves and a driver's hat and Wes was very nonchalant with him, like he had been brought up his whole life telling him what to do but still appreciated him. I squeezed Louisa's hand and she squeezed back, we were both glad that our relationship wasn't unusual here, at least not to Wes. Soon after that David Thompson arrived, he was a dark-skinned boy from Conneticut with a wicked sense of humour which he shared with his equally friendly father; who wasted no time in telling Louisa he was divorced.

Louisa eventually left long after everyone else's parents when we were all called down to have lunch. She wiped tears away without shame and hugged me tightly, she promised me to tell Sierra how wonderful it was here and that I should probably expect a Skype call tonight knowing my sister.

"Is she your Mom?" JJ asked as we all gathered in the light cafeteria and joined the queue to get some much-needed food.

"No she's my housekeeper," for some reason saying that out loud made me feel embarrassed, like I should have lied.

"Oh… Really? That's weird you guys are pretty close isn't it?"

"Well someone had to raise me right?" A dark haired kid in front of us turned around and nodded while giving me an understanding smile, it was strange being able to say that without fear of being scolded for disrespecting my parents. We ate in a group of ten with some other boys that the others had already met before through their parents. I noticed that only two of us where actually from Ohio but even the other guy Cameron had gone to school in Nebraska until now, I felt so rooted and in a bad way. Afterwards we went to the common room and watched the rest of the school pile, the sophomores first at 3pm and then the juniors around 6pm, which is when we were called in for a talk with our head of grade. Apparently the seniors would come in late that night or on Monday morning like some of the students who were still abroad.

"HUSH HUSH!" A strong voice called out and everything fell silent, "I'm Mr. DeLassé your head of grade and _confidant _this year," he chuckled softly at his own joke and everyone internally groaned. Mr. DeLassé was middle-aged, thinning hair, slightly rounded and completely too happy as he addressed the 100 fourteen-year-old boys in front of him. "This will be your common room which you will share with the sophomores, share nicely boys! Now I'm aware there is a sort of 'hierarchy' established throughout high school and I just want to say that do not be afraid of your Upperclassmen; there is a _very_ strict policy on tolerance and it will be enforced when needed." Mr. D's eyes scanned the room with a hard stare and when he caught my eye he held it for a couple seconds until I looked at the floor, _he knew_.

The rest of his speech included explaining that we would get our timetables and prep diaries before first period tomorrow, to check the extra-curricular activities because at Dalton things got started pretty quick and then finally he registered us in alphabetical order before we could leave, thank you daddy Anderson.

It came clear that JJ and I would probably be closer than with Wes ad David since the two pairs got on so well; he was quite animated after he became more comfortable with you, he talked at a speed that I almost couldn't keep up with but he would often stop and check I was still there. Something told me that he wasn't quite lucky with making friends, other boys didn't really stick to him but for some reason everyone sat down to talk me and after a while it was getting tiring so we retreated to our room for some quiet time. At ten we all got ready for bed and clambered in, I hadn't really noticed how exhausted I felt until the covers were wrapped around me.

"All of us have to confess something," David said loudly from next to me, "so we know who we're sleeping with OK? I'll go first; I talk in French in my sleep."

"Weird kid," Wes laughed, "alright… I snore, sorry guys," I laughed softly and wondered what I would confess.

"Umm…" JJ started, "I don't know what I do in my sleep? I guess I'm prone to walking when I'm worried or stressed so I'll probably be up and about this week…"

"Aren't you lot a group," I said finally, "I'm never going to get any sleep! Oh and David my French is pretty good so nothing too dirty OK!"

"Aha can't promise that Blaine. So come on your turn?" I felt like everyone was staring at me through the thick darkness, what did I have to say? I didn't snore or walk or talk or anything in my sleep, in fact Sierra says I'm so perfectly motionless she gets worried I've died in my sleep.

"Well there's nothing I do in my sleep but I guess I have something else I might as well tell you now, I'm gay," I rolled my eyes as I said it, I felt like I was saying it far too much nowadays; can't a guy go anywhere without having to declare his sexuality? "So you know, judge me in your sleep now you know I'll be staying in my bed," I tried to joke but it sounded flat.

"Judge you?" JJ said from across the room, "why would we judge you? Have you seen our uniforms, I think judging anyone for being gay would be too ironic for words," the other boys agreed and bid me goodnight. I smiled into my pillow as I realised that Dalton **would** be different, that finally things were changing and I could start enjoy being myself.

I ignored the thing in my chest that wanted me to remember Luke and the pills and the doctors and the pain and I desperately blanked my mind and started to drift to sleep. The only reminded I would have of that time was my medication and no one had to know what it was really for. Right?

**OK so just a couple chapters left guys! Btw those are Wes and David's surnames (according to Glee wiki) which I feel quite proud of finding aha. I did rewrite this make them freshmen instead of sophomores because it works better with the next part of the story so if there are mistakes please tell me!**


	16. Five Deep Breaths

"Yes Mom, I know Mom, yes _I know_ Mom," I awoke to Wes' bright voice and glanced automatically to my right expecting to see a clock, "wait Mom; Blaine it's half seven, you should probably get up." I smiled blindly at the skinny boy who continued to pace the room and speak to his Mom which only reminded me of the fact I hadn't called or messaged Sierra last night, not that she had sent any either. I closed my eyes again and breathed in deeply five times, a technique that Gus' Mom had taught us in 7th grade when he wouldn't stop crying about something or the other; you breathe in five times while thinking of five things you wanted to achieve during the day.

_1. Keep smiling._

_2. Don't tell them about **anything.**_

_3. Don't cry Blaine, please._

_4. Call Sierra._

_5. Smile, smile, smile._

4 out of 5 had been the same everyday since the park, everyday I had to wake up and remember everything that had happened to me and I had to act like perfect Blaine Anderson from the moment my feet hit the ground to the time I went to bed. Sometimes I wanted to give up again but the voice in my head would tell me I deserved to be unhappy, I deserved having to pretend everyday since I was too useless to be normal. I noticed I was the last one to get up so I hurried to the bathroom at the end of the corridor - There are two so you generally went to the closer one. They were massive with a double line of sinks down the middle and a huge double-sided mirror separating the two sides, and then around the edges were cubicles with baths or showers in them. I was so grateful for the privacy as I thought back to swim practise, the only reason it wasn't an issue was because most of the time I was physically tormenting myself in the water but in the showers it would just be us together, naked.

* * *

><p>My roommates waited for me and we headed down to breakfast, surprisingly we were some of the last and apparently we were late for breakfast, they liked to get freshmen finished by quarter to eight and it was now ten to but there were little to no Upperclassmen so it wasn't a big deal today. We sat down and I began to pick out the yellow froot loops from my bowl as the other three boys watched me curiously, I simply shrugged and smiled, I didn't know why I did it but I just couldn't eat them.<p>

* * *

><p>"So where are you guys from?" David asked as we finished with our food and headed to the common to collect our timetables.<p>

"Michigan,"

"New Albany," all the other boys looked at me with intrigue.

"Oh? Didn't fancy N.A.H.? I hate those guys anyways, apparently they lost their best swimmer this year though… What was his name?" David frowned at the floor and I laughed.

"That was me," I blushed suddenly realising what I had said, "I mean I wasn't the best… But…

"Shut up! I swam against you last year and you thrashed _everyone!_" David squeezed my shoulders tightly and I remembered our trip to Conneticut where I won first place, "swim meets are on Tuesdays, Thursday and on the weekends if you're around…"

"Alright David just let the boy breathe first," Wes laughed, "Do you play anything else?" He turned to JJ first and I was glad to have the spotlight turned off me.

"Um I quite like baseball but to be honest I'm a painter," he blushed lightly at this, "I know that's not really any good…"

"No, no that's brilliant; at Dalton everything is a school event no matter what field you're specialising in," he said with the confidence that his Dad had installed in him by constantly talking about his time at Dalton, "I'm not sure what the art department's up to this year yet but they normally collaborate with drama…" Wes started to go on a bit to JJ so David and I branched off into our own conversation about sports, I told him about my running and soccer and then about my broken leg without thinking.

"Oh God what did you do?" I glanced up at David, I didn't want to say it, that feeling had come back that I was making it all about me and I didn't want this to take over my life but I guess I have no choice.

"God beat up by some guys at my old school…"

"Wait, was this last September?"

"Yeah how did you know?"

"Everyone knows around here, the New Albany kids can't keep their filthy rich mouths shut," I smiled at that, I think people at Dalton were even richer but they just didn't brag about it, "they were bragging about basically leaving these two kids to die because they were… Oh, sorry," he turned to me with a sympathetic look but I waved it off as the past, never to happen again or to be worried about.

JJ and Wes came back with our timetables; we were all in someone's class today so the knots in my stomach loosened just a tad knowing I wouldn't be alone today, plus I was looking forward to French with David after his sleeping confession. I had a good feeling about today, the butterflies in my stomach were happy ones and I let Dalton Academy shut its 18th century doors on my past and let me live in the present without distraction.

* * *

><p>"So Blaine how are things?" Paloma said with a smile, "I hear your first week went well?" It was Saturday after my first week at Dalton and we were sitting on the new swinging bench by the pond in garden, enjoying the September sun.<p>

"It did, I made some good friends…" I trailed off and thought about Lili, Gus and Clarry, who I was going to see after I finished with Paloma and I realised I was pretty nervous about it.

"Good and do they know about your past?" She was gazing at me but I didn't look back.

"No. Well they know I'm gay but they don't need to know anything else, not yet at least," I had been so thankful that my nightmares had been silent this week, during the summer I had woken up to Louisa shaking me desperately but I think my new medication was helping. "The medication is really helping," I voiced.

"I'm glad to hear that but Blaine have you told your old friends about what happened?"

"Why do I have to tell anyone! I mean its my life, its my mistakes, why does anyone else have to be involved!" I snapped at her loudly making her grey eyes widen and her red dyed eyebrows rise.

"Blaine you know this isn't good for you…"

"Yes I know I'm completely incapable of looking after myself, I know and I will deal with the consequences I promise," I sighed and she put a heavy arm round me.

"You know that you mustn't be _ashamed_ Blaine, not of the nightmares, the medication or the scars-"

"How, how did you know?"

"Blaine this is what I'm paid to do remember," she laughed softly, "it's an easy guess to make with someone like you and you just confirm it. Is it a problem for you?"

"No," I lied easily, "I haven't since… that night," I still couldn't say it whether out of shame or simply the fact I didn't know what to refer to it as, I wasn't sure but I knew I didn't want to say anything. We wrapped up our session soon after that and I just wanted to go to Lili's and enjoy some female company for a bit, I never thought I would miss being around girls.

"BLAINE!" The noise and the wind being knocked out of me came at the same time, "oh God Blaine I've missed you so fucking much!" Her legs were tightly wrapped around my waist and her hip-length hair was in my face but somehow I didn't care, I was just so happy to have her there.

"I know same! Are G and C here?"

"Oh please don't, I can stand her doing it, if you both do it I'll shoot myself," she laughed and didn't notice as I winced at her exclamation. After what happened I couldn't remember why I ever thought it was OK to joke about that, why people took it so lightly when it was such an awful thing.

We walked out onto the deck in her back yard and I greeted Clarissa and Gus in a similar fashion; we talked loudly and quickly for what felt like hours, about school, about Gus's new girlfriend, about Clarry's new hair colour, things that were so trivial but yet meant so much to me. These were my best friends and I had missed all these things, all because I was impossibly weak and pathetic but I didn't let them see any of these thoughts and I carried on as usual. We ended up going out that night for Chinese with Lili's parents, Daria and Freddie Richards were the cutest couple in the world, she was a stunning Russian model and he was a geek from somewhere in North Dakota. Their marriage was something of a joke when they first wed, their closest friends having bets on it not lasting more than 6 months but 22 years later and Liliana later they still had a envious marriage. We dined in perfect company for most of the evening, only interrupted when I went to the bathroom and met Jack Syaton, he had been coolly pleasant, only cracking a few gay jokes but there was something in the way he looked at me that told me he was _joking_. The next day everyone cried, we had never gotten a real goodbye since I had taken the time from us so we decided to it today and if I had ever felt truly loved it would have been that moment.

**OK so this was mashed together with the next chapter because I felt they were both a bit too short? Hope you enjoy :)**


	17. Warbling

Back at Dalton I decided to take a late night shower after remembering I hadn't had one since Saturday morning and I had been in the pool pretty much all weekend.

_You're the kind of girl I'd take home to mom,_

_If my mama were dead!_

_You're no good; you're acting no good._

_But damn you look good and I'm drunk_

I couldn't help but sing in the shower, it was the only place I was allowed to after I came out to my Dad and he sent an email to all my teachers making them swear to keep my voice out of any musical/drama/art related projects.

_It's so hard to be good…_

The voice carried on with me and I froze, suddenly my heart was pounding in my chest and I didn't quite know why I was so scared but the other person realised it and laughed.

"Blaine it's just Wes! You have pretty good music taste," he added lightly.

"Urm thanks, it's my sister's fault; I'm MTV and she's Kerrang…" I felt so awkward talking to Wes while I was naked.

"Well music taste aside you have an amazing voice, you should join Warblers,"

"Warblers?" I laughed at the name.

"Yeah don't laugh, it's the oldest group at Dalton and it's not easy to get into," I heard a thump and realised Wes must be leaning against my cubicle. "They have three Upperclassmen presiding since, traditionally, they don't have a teacher leading the group. You have to audition so I wouldn't be telling you unless I really thought you'd get in-"

"No offense Wes but the gay kid joining the choir? Sounds like a recipe for a couple bruises to me!"

"Blaine! When will you learn that doesn't happen at Dalton! Anyways the Warblers are respected, the student body never misses a performance… Please Blaine? Just come along tomorrow?"

"Ugh FINE!" I shouted back and heard the other boy walk out before turning the water back on and thinking about things, what would my Dad say? Would I even have to tell him? I sighed and dried off before heading back to my dorm to get some shuteye, but sleep didn't come easy and I found myself being shaken awake.

"Blaine! Blaine! Wake up!" JJ's shouting broke through the veil of the nightmare that was still hanging around me but when I opened my eyes Luke's blue ones were looking back at me. I screamed loudly and pushed his arms away, I hadn't even realised the similarity between to two boys before and my heart thumped heavily. "Are you OK? You were really screaming…" JJ's eyes were worried and flecked with brown not dark blue like Luke's, his face was splashed with freckles that Luke never had, no matter how much he went in the sun his face never freckled and the similarities started to disappear as fast as they had appeared.

"Yeah I'm fine…. Just a bad dream, sorry guys," I glanced up at Wes and David who were both groggy eyed but stood awkwardly watching me with concern, I smiled and they both smiled too and clambered back into bed. JJ climbed onto the end of my bed and looked at me in the dull lamplight, my heart was hammering in my chest and my skin started to itch with the familiar urge… "Jay do you mind if I go to the bathroom quickly? Go back to sleep, I'll be fine, I promise," he stared at me before nodding and getting into his own bed.

I ran down the dark corridor into the bathroom and went through each of the cubicles knowing that there would be an abandoned razor somewhere. The time between finding the razor and cracking it open seemed to black out of my mind, when I came back to focus there was a ruby trail on my arm and then a second and a third. Five glittering lines stared back at me as I began to come down from my panic and the endorphins rushed through me, I collapsed back against the cold wall and stayed still for a few minutes. My conversation with Paloma played in my mind, I wasn't lying when I said I hadn't cut since my suicide attempt but that didn't mean I hadn't wanted to.

The scars on my hips had burned every time someone had given me sympathetic eyes at the hospital, when David asked why I left N.A.H., when I took my medication in the mornings… This wasn't a problem though; it wasn't a problem when I deserved it, when it made me feel _so good._ In my haze of pleasure and pain I gathered the blades and stumbled back to my dorm, hiding them in the same bag as my pills; my brain managed to hide from me this truth: Just because I didn't want to stop didn't mean I _could_.

* * *

><p>On Monday morning everyone was tiptoeing around me and I felt even worse, this had been exactly what I didn't want to happen.<p>

"OK guys this is ridiculous I'm fine, you don't have to act like I'm going to burst into tears!" I said it firmly but flashed a playful smile when they glanced at me nervously and sighed out of relief.

"Sorry Blaine, I've just never seen anyone do that before…" Wes said apologetically.

"What exactly did I do?" The look of fear that washed over all their faces made my heart drop, maybe I should have just let it be awkward this morning.

"You were shouting out someone's name and telling them…" JJ swallowed nervously, "to get off you."

"Oh… I don't really remember the dream?"

"Sounded like a memo- Ow!" David started before Wes punched him hard in the shoulder, "I mean yeah, dreams can be vivid sometimes…" I looked up at JJ who busied himself with getting dressed and I did the same before remembering the cuts that would be there. I turned my back and was glad I'd picked the bed in the corner, no one noticed me until I was fully dressed and ready to go to breakfast.

The day passed quickly and I found myself being sided by Wes and David at 4:30 who dragged me off to the junior/senior common room where the Warbler practice was held.

"I… I haven't sung in so long, I really don't know…" I feebly attempted to get my excuses out.

"Nonsense Blaine you're great," Wes encouraged, "I hope you have a good song prepared."

"Wait what?"

"Your audition song? Oh Blaine you didn't forget?"

"Of course I forgot you told me yesterday!" I stared at the Asian boy in disbelief.

"You're fucked," David, laughed, "the council are going to _kill _you." I dragged my feet and decided to flick through the iPhone in my pocket to find a decent song that I knew. David was still making insensitive quips, I wondered how he had such an undeveloped self-censor but more curious was how the two boys were so calm about their auditions. I decided that the best way was to put it on shuffle and when Pixie Lott's 'Turn It Up' came up I plugged myself in and watched as other auditionees trickle into the room around me, obviously more confident and prepared than I was. I jumped out of my skin when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

"Oh sorry…" The tall boy had surprise written over his tanned features, "I just thought you looked a bit nervous?" I nodded silently as I put the phone back in my pocket. "Well I'm Ben Rodgers, I'm a junior," I shook his hand and his gold eyes melted into me. He talked to me and I tried to listen but his sun-highlighted hair, his chiseled chin which had some dark stubble unlike most of the clean-shaven Daltons and his wide casual shoulders made me unable to more than nod. "What are you thinking of singing then?" He asked knowing I wasn't quite concentrating on his words.

"Urm…" I pulled my phone back out and he snatched it away, our fingers brushed lightly and inhaled sharply, he smirked and glanced up from beneath his lashes in a way that was completely and deliberately sensual.

"Pixie Lott? Really?" I blushed harshly, "no you can do better than that." He scrolled through the device before smiling and handing it back, "here blow them away." He paused as though he wanted to say or do something more but he didn't and instead sauntered away to the group of Warblers now gathering and watching the newbies with amused faces.

"Quiet! Quiet everyone!" The dark boy was a Senior I had seen in the art department before but didn't know his name. "OK so I know everyone is excited and nervous but here goes nothing; we don't have a fixed number of places so if you're good enough you _will _get a place. If you want the piano or guitar just come and use them," the boy motioned to the instruments beside him. "I'm Matt Holloway your senior council member, Nick and Jeff are your junior council members and we are ultimately in charge of the direction, members and what-not." I hadn't noticed the older boys move the sofas around us so they all faced towards the fireplace end where the piano was positioned, Matt jumped off the table and pushed it away and my heart jumped with him.

"Right, existing Warblers on the sofas, auditonees on the floor. You'll be picked at random, you can leave at any time but you probably won't get another chance at this and when your done you can go or you can stay and weigh up your chances." Matt said the last part with a mischievous smile that made everyone around me laugh, I was suddenly to nervous to move or breathe or anything I just wanted to run but I found myself on the floor listening to the first auditions.

There were some pretty good and pretty awful performances of popular songs, every song could have been found in the top ten in the last five years and with some amazing stroke of luck mine didn't crop up; David's audition piece of _So Sick _by Ne-Yo was amazing, who knew he could dance like that! Ben and I kept making fleeting eye contact during the songs and when it came to me getting up there he smile comfortingly. A few of the guys had forgotten the words or messed up their notes but mostly they had been the ones who definitely weren't getting through; I didn't know if I could manage to play anything but as soon as my hands went on the guitar my nerves melted away. Music had always been my way of release and it felt good to be doing it again even with thirty strangers watching and judging my every sound. I began to strum steadily:

_My head is stuck in the clouds  
>She begs me to come down<br>Says "Boy quit foolin' around"_

My heart settled into the rhythm and I caught Wes' eye and he smiled smugly, I made a mental note to thank him for making me do this.

_I told her "I love the view from up here  
>Warm sun and wind in my ear<br>We'll watch the world from above  
>As it turns to the rhythm of love"<em>

I played the break and realised I had no idea what came next so I stopped, without wanting to, but my hands just stopped playing and my brain screamed at me but nothing happened.

"I'm… I'm…" I stuttered as everyone watched me closely and I felt my face burn fiercely and I looked around frantically for someone to tell me to do something, _anything_.

"Ohh kaayy," Matt said in his loud voice that had started to grate my nerves, "feelin' alright there buddy?" I nodded and put the guitar down before running out of the room, I wasn't sure where I was heading to but I just wanted to get as far away as possible. I had been stupid to think I could have just turned up and sung, that it would be that easy; when would I learn that I wasn't special, I wasn't good enough and I'd never be.

**The first song is Cobra Starship - Damn You Look Good and I'm Drunk**

**Plain White T's - Rhythm of Love; I think that song would really suit Darren's voice.**


	18. Saving Myself

**Last chapter guys.**

"Hey wait up!" I heard someone's heavy feet running behind me and I started to slow as I burst through the doors into the grounds, my knee twinged painfully and I didn't want to chance getting another brace. "Whoa you're pretty fast," Ben was bent over trying to catch his breath and I didn't reply just stood and stared at him.

"Why are you here?" My voice was hard and cold, I was still reeling from the embarrassment I had caused myself.

"I wanted to see if you were OK? Is that a crime?" He laughed.

"You don't even know me."

"I'd like to," he was smiling slightly with his head tilted slightly to make it look more endearing, yes I saw every trick he was pulling but it didn't mean I was immune to them. When I returned to my dorm a couple hours later I sunk to the floor against the door, a smile cemented on my face; what had just happened?

"Blaine? What happened today? Are you OK?" Wes asked seriously from his bed opposite.

"Perfect," I breathed heavily from my place on the ground as I thought back at the conversation I had just had with Ben in the gardens.

* * *

><p>"Oh Sierra it's amazing here!" I was pacing in front of the computer with the same stupid smile plastered on my face, I swear this week had just been amazing, even my nigh terrors hadn't fazed me so much. "You know I got a place in the Warblers and that's a pretty big deal here…"<p>

"Oh Congrates B! Now what's his name and will I approve? Of course I won't but still, spill," Sierra hissed looking down at the sleeping baby in her arms.

"Why… Oh fine, he's called Ben and oh wow, he's so hot Si! He's a junior-"

"B! Older guys are _not_ a good idea."

"I know but it's only two years and he's just so good looking and he's a Warbler and wow…" I sat down in a fluster; my heart was thumping in a good way as it had been all week since Ben followed me after my humiliating audition. Matt had caught up with me the next day and asked if I wanted another chance so at lunch I picked up where I left off and on Wednesday I found my name at the top of the list. I felt quite guilty for getting a second chance but after my first Warbler practice I felt so right, singing with a choir again just felt so right and I wondered how I had made it for so long without doing it.

"B I know you're excited but you are young and impressionable and I just don't want you getting hurt so soon after…"

"Si please don't do this, I'm happy, I am and could we just accept that for a bit?" She sighed and curled her pink bundle closer into her chest; I winced internally at the fact that I'd never have a baby of my own. I'd already decided on adoption since it didn't seem fair to make another child when so many needed a home, but still knowing that I'd never have the life like Dan and Sierra caused a touch of pain in my heart. I wondered if being with someone would make it ease, if being in love made up for all the hardships that being gay brought with it or if you just had to learn to accept it and not complain.

* * *

><p>Over the next couple weeks Wes, David and JJ had become my closest friends at Dalton but I found myself spending more and more of my spare time with Ben. I was glad that I hadn't spoken to Paloma face to face recently or I would have told her everything; my relationship with Ben (undefined and unasked), my cutting, Warblers. The last one may seem harmless but she would probably tell my parents and I just couldn't risk leaving Dalton or them making a scene; it was surprisingly easy to lie to Paloma and surprisingly guilt-free.<p>

Another thing I didn't mention to Paloma that maybe I should of were the blackouts; they were tiny, a few seconds, sometimes a few minutes at a time. I didn't think anyone had noticed until JJ was shaking me awake from my newly acquired position on the floor.

"BLAINE!"

"Wha-"

"Oh my God Blaine what is wrong with you?" He was shouting loudly and I realised I must have been out for a bit longer than a few minutes.

"Nothing, nothing I just…" I couldn't think of something to say.

"Look I've been quiet about it but this is ridiculous! You've been having seizures in your sleep, blacking out during the day and don't even try to deny it," his eyes were harsh. "What are the pills you take?"

"Pills?" My voice peaked shakily, "oh fine, they're… Antidepressants." The word tasted dirty on my tongue but when I looked up his face was unimpressed.

"Is that it? Blaine do you know how many of the boys here are on shit? Not even prescribed, which yours obviously is if you're so nervous about it; I can't believe that's it. God Anderson I thought you were on crack or something," he lay back against the end of Jack's bed and sighed. I watched for a few seconds wondering how just a couple weeks had turned a stranger into someone who actually cared about me, this wasn't supposed to happen so quickly?

Thinking about our friendship reminded me of my old friends, we were still in contact, I don't think I could have survived without them but inevitably we were growing apart. Lili was throwing a party this weekend and I asked JJ to come with me; it might be a bit awkward introducing him to my family but this was my new life and I couldn't pretend they were separate anymore. Surprisingly JJ didn't asked about how I come about to be on the ADs but I guessed they weren't that big a deal, I mean thousands of kids had depression or other disorders that meant they took them. He made me tell David and Wes who were just as relived to find out I wasn't ODing on drugs behind their backs.

"Yeah you kinda did have the air of someone who could have drowned in their own vomit at any moment- OW!" David was his usual sensitive self and I laughed, more at myself for thinking that this would change anything. Even things between Ben didn't change, for the worse anyway, during Warblers that week (Friday's practice) he had been distracting me throughout. He caught my hand at the end and asked to see me later in the common room, he looked into my eyes and for a split second I thought he would kiss me but then looked up and his face fell. As he walked away Wes came and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Do not trust that guy Blaine," his voice was cold, "I don't know why he's messing with you but I don't like it."

"Is that it? You _don't like it? _No offense Wes but that's stupid," I laughed at the older boy but his features didn't lighten, instead he glance back at a blonde boy I knew was called Jeff. "What happened Wesley?"

"Nothing, nothing Blaine. If there was I would tell you, I just… I don't know I heard he treats girls pretty bad?"

"Don't worry Wes, go find David, I'm sure he's lost without you; I on the other hand will be fine." Wes finally smiled at the mention of his best friend and that reoccurring thought wandered across my mind: were they doing each other? I had asked once and David had just laughed it off, he assured me he wasn't gay just that he had never really had a best friend before and finally finding someone like Wes was a pretty big deal. Dalton was a sanctuary for kids like David and I, it was hard to get into here but that just meant you couldn't take it for granted, not that there was any chance of that with me I was just so grateful to even have a school like this where I could feel _safe_ for once.

* * *

><p>That night at around 9 the common room was strangely empty except for a few juniors doing some reading and Ben; who was lying across the sofa with <em>Harry Potter and The Order Of The Phoenix <em>held over his head. My heart jumped, they were my favourite books and he didn't strike me as the HP type but I walked over nervously anyway.

"Ah Blaine, I thought you were gonna stand me up!" His accent was slightly south, not enough to be annoying but rather cute and I found myself blushing without any reason.

"Never…"

"You're so nervous," he always spoke in statements rather than questions, "sit down and breathe for a second, I'm not gonna hurt you!" He sat up and I sat down, he moved closer to me and my skin began to tingle.

"How- How comes you wanted to see me?"

"I just wanted to give you something," his eyes flickered across the room to check who was around but I didn't notice, I just thought he was nervous like I was.

"Wha-" His lips were forceful, he tasted good but there was something underlying, something that made my taste buds tell my throat to gag and then a memory of Niamh slapping me flashed in my mind. The taste was the Jack Daniel's whiskey that had spiked my courage that night; that had made me stumble and slur, unable to think clearly. As I broke away his hands found the back of my head and pulled me in again, my heart was beating erratically in my chest and I couldn't figure out if I was excited or scared. So he'd been drinking I'm sure he wasn't the only one who knew how to sneak alcohol onto the premises? But as his weight shifted onto me and I started to panic; suddenly it wasn't Ben it was Luke, suddenly we weren't at Dalton on the sofa but in the park on the ground, suddenly I was terrified but like last time I couldn't speak. When I finally pushed him away he held on tightly.

"Oh Blaine why are you so scared? I'll take care of you," he grabbed my wrists, "I know what you do. I know how you're keeping it together; everyone thinks you're so _perfect_ but you're not are you?" I couldn't breathe as he said these things, my whole body shook but I didn't look away from those golden eyes. "And now you've given yourself away like such a little_whore_, you're all mine," he kissed me again, softer and I gave in. Every insecurity giving me away to him, every inner thought that had told me I was useless, worthless, disgusting came flooding back and let Ben do whatever he wanted. Thankfully he didn't do more than kiss me and palm himself before making me promise to be silent and bidding me goodnight.

That night the nightmare changed, it was no longer just the memories of Luke in the park but of an interchangeable Luke and Ben, their hands on my skin, under my skin, ripping me apart... When I woke the next morning, the sun was just rising and JJ was curled into me, his warm body comforting against the cold feeling of the nightmare. I decided there that Dalton would be my saviour, I just needed to let it be.

**There will be a sequel set in the present with Kurt, what happened in between you'll have to find out next time! Thanks for reading, reviews are very welcome :)**


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